March Madness! Teenagers missing 12-foot jumpers and blowing layups, while Dick Vitale screams at you! The single shittiest, most overrated event in sports.

Remember 15 years ago (oy, so old) when Yankee fans started the rumor that Mike Piazza was gay? I was kind of hoping it was true, because the guy was the second-most beloved athlete in New York City (behind Yeah Jeet) and I think it would have gone a long way to acceptance in the league and among fans.

I would wager at least 90% of the most vigorous homophobes are just disturbed by the tingling sensation they get when they watch Will and Grace reruns or, I dunno, hear Adam Lambert.

I know you’re being facetious, but the thing is... it isn’t in the damn bible!

I predict a Final Four of Brodarious Hamm, Scholastique Koolimo, Taco Pope, and Mighty Fine.

Nobody goes to a stadium to watch football. At home you have a perfect view, multiple replays, rewind and fast-froward at will, dopey analysts... it’s a much better experience. People go to the stadium to drink themselves into a coma, scream, fight, make multiple trips to the bathroom and food court, and generally act…

If pitchers want to be the enforcers of the baseball code and plunk everyone who displeases them, then they need to be men and face the repercussions of their decision. By which I mean, this is yet another reason to get rid of the abhorrent DH. I don’t understand why no one ever put Bob Gibson in the hospital.

What was wrong with “clown question”? The reporter was being an asshole, and instead of calling him such Harper let him know it without as much profanity or disrespect.

So you voluntarily waste your own time so as not to inconvenience others? OK, Mother Teresa.

That is the Social Compact. You judge silently. Anyone who has what to say is an asshole.

And not using elevators is taking a job away from an elevator maintenance man. It’s like people who say you shouldn’t take a shit on the floor in the movies.

I work on the second floor and I take the elevator up every morning. I have a 1.5-mile walk to the office so by then I have had quite enough exercise, thank you.

To each his own. Sure, sometimes I envy them. And sometimes they envy me.

So if someone has different goals or another outlook on life, you call him a loser... yet I’m the small-minded one?

Soaps and detergents go on this list. Do a load of laundry with store brand stuff and your clothes are still dirty and don’t smell nice. Might as well just soak them in a puddle. And any dish soap other than Dawn is worthless - you put a tablespoon on your sponge and get about 4 suds no matter how you scrub.

It is well-established that Republicans are more charitable givers and volunteer more than Democrats. (Sources: Huffington Post, The Chronicle of Philanthropy, The Federal Agency for Service and Volunteering.) If you count stuff like hand-wringing over who had more Oscar nominations, you might have a point.

I like to steal towels from vacation. Partly for the thrill of being Linen The Kid, partly because some are damn fine towels. I currently dry off with a jazzy Norwegian Cruise Line number that is enormous, thick as a comforter, and absorbent as a giant sponge. The wife doesn’t mind because it actually matches our…

Wow! I didn’t know anything about him. And the Missus never watched Days so I didn’t know he was even on that show.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing. Italian parents would prefer their kids live with them until they die. Mine were happy to have me, despite being a dopey drunk a lot of the time. I gave them some food money for a while but once I got serious about buying a house they didn’t care that I stopped. I feel bad your parents…

Winner. See the part about owning home outright. I am currently building intergenerational wealth.