Last week I was washing my hands after a work dump. I heard a flush and a guy I had never seen before emerged from the stall, headed straight to the row of sinks, cupped his hand under the faucet, and proceeded to take a drink from his doody hand. All without even a feint at washing. I just stared incomprehensibly. He…

Is Velma a Little Person now? That’s kind of an interesting twist.

You described at least half of all marriages. Probably more if people would really be honest with themselves. After 20+ years, that’s what there is. You’re family. Those weirdos in their mid-40s raving on facebook about how much in love they are with their spouse are compensating.

I was at a job for 18 years. I rose to the top of my profession in 12, running a large department to great acclaim. I never really killed myself with long hours, but I also missed family events, never took all my vacation time, took 3 sick days in 18 years. And one day they hired a new president who wanted to make his…

Don’t care about 1-3; you are dead-on with #4. AL is Baseball for Dummies. It allowed Joe Torre to be considered a genius.

My friends and I started using off-brand pieces just to liven things up. Bottle caps, a rock, a shot glass... one guy used a hunk of government cheese once. I used a Batman action figure and it intimidated everyone. It takes brass balls to try and bankrupt The Batman.

I looked into buying a Ram a couple years ago, based on a great price in a newspaper ad from a dealership in another part of the city, and my local dealership which said they would “match any price, just bring in the ad”. So I presented the ad and the guy pointed out the caveats in the fine print. Sale price factored…

You have to read the fine print. Last time I bought a new car (11 years ago) they would only give us the (sharply discounted) price if we financed through the dealer. We read the contract and there was no pre-payment penalty so we said OK, made the first payment and drove home. Three weeks later we cut a check for the…

And then, especially if you have a daughter, she will turn 13 and all hell will break loose. Your pal that watched movies with you, played games,liked to hang out? She’ll be replaced by a sullen, sarcastic, snappish, insulting, nasty, bi-polar-ish, eye-rolling monster who will want nothing to do with you. This will…

In NYC people lose their shit and start screaming about impeaching the Mayor if the streets aren’t plowed dead clean immediately following a snowfall. Manhattan streets have plows going over them repeatedly at first flake and are bone-dry within 20 minutes of the end of a snowfall. Yet I guarantee half the people who…

In New York City, my wife and 20-year-old daughter wave out the window and laugh at me. Sometimes they wave cups of hot cocoa.

A couple months cold weather > earthquakes + wildfires + mudslides + riots.

Actually, the street hoop gets old fast. My brother-in-law’s neighbor had one for a while and it was oppressive. Balls bouncing for hours, kids screaming. Just because it’s daytime doesn’t mean you want to hear that shit non-stop. There’s a park three blocks away that everyone pays a buttload of taxes for, go there.

I drove a ‘74 Monte Carlo with fat mags in college. I found a set of rims and some used snow tires and never got stuck once in NE PA winters in a hilly town. I used to deliver pizza in blizzards and made a ton in tips from people blown away I was out in that shit with a hot rod.

Last year my daughter had to come home from college SB weekend, and I had to drive her back Sunday night. I DVRed the Super Bowl, and it was fantastic. I got home after it was over. I watched the commercials, and the live game action (hitting the 30 second advance arrow after each play is almost perfect). No replays…

I’m with you. The only reason I got cable is to watch the Mets here in NYC. The only other cable nets I would miss would be the quality drama ones like FX and AMC, and I guess I could Netflix Zombie shows and The Americans.

Watch baseball. Read. Work on cars. Watch TV and movies. Collect antiques and comics. Grow flowers and tomatoes. Goof off on the internet. Cook. Hang out with like-minded friends. There’s a lot to do out there that doesn’t involve living and dying with the exploits of millionaire imbeciles and enriching their…

That is lunacy. Chocolate, ideally with some peanut butter additive.

Have stuck with the team of my youth through this years’ world series.

That is optimal pancake.