The clubs my league insists on visiting tend to frown on you “doing” anything with their ladies other than handing them small bills.

So this story reminded me I needed lunch supplies so I went to the market tonight. “Yeah, gimme a pound of the turkey that’s on sale and a pound of the muenster that’s on sale. Slice ‘em both thick.” “Did you say thick?” “Yeah, I hate when it’s thin, it’s a pain in the ass to make a sandwich.” “So what, like an inch?”…

Uncomfortably so at times. We drink a lot more, bicker a lot less, and there’s no Andre.

Eh, we only see each other once a year, so we like to maximize the time together. I never thought twice about it... now you guys are making it weird.

Which band’s fans are furthest from that band’s image?

Norrin Radd enjoying some quiet time away from Dawn Greenwood.

I’m in a fantasy football league with my college roommates since 1989. Our drafts are usually destination things and not only do we share rooms, more often than not we are sharing beds! I think every one of us is a VP at his company, but it just seems like a waste of money better spent thrown at disrobing ladies or a…

One time on a cruise, we had been on the beach a couple hours when I decided a beer would be delightful. My friend’s 12-year-old daughter looks at me and loudly exclaims “You’re drinking?!!”. Uhh, yeah. What? I had forgotten that we had the earliest tender off the boat so as to get our money’s worth, and I was…

“One lady sliced my shit paper-thin...”

Dogs are the worst. For every responsible dog owner, there are 20 assholes who let their pet shit everywhere and bark for hours.

It’s amazing how you nuts sympathize with the mutant gang who was robbing, killing and raping as “poor people” who I guess just need a good cuddle and midnight basketball.

It’s some kind of Progressive Today hive-mind thing to bash TDKR. The mutant gangs were just misunderstood, disadvantaged youths, and the Joker just needed better, government-sponsored mental health care.

The hyperventilating leftism is strong in this one.

5 lbs of Runts for $20? My dentist thanks you.

We had a work outing at Coney Island a long time ago. A bunch of us decided to eat at Nathan’s on the boardwalk. We spy an empty table and happily grab it. And then this disheveled, off-looking guy sits himself down with us. I immediately go to tell him to fuck off, but I’m with a bunch of the sort who don’t want to…

I don’t know where you live, but by me all they have to do is mention snow in the forecast and people rush to the supermarkets and clear the shelves. “I got to get the bread and the milk! Oh my God, the bread and the milk!”

I delivered pizza while in college in Northeast PA. I used to do fantastic when it snowed - the more snow, the better tips. This was the late 80s, and there were no SUVs - I was rolling around in a blizzard in a gigantic rear-wheel-drive 70s Monte Carlo with a worked small-block. God, it was so much fun, and the…

Tip for making burgers indoors: Don’t. Fried hamburgers are awful.

Tony deserves all the opprobrium thrown his way and then some. He’s probably sitting on his mountain off ill-gotten cash he made stealing from the 99%, having made triple what harder-working women made his whole life. Heck, I bet he’s white, and has been laughing from behind the glass ceiling at the PoC whose people…

Yeah, a friend and I were accosted by a bunch of guys outside a pool hall. Two jump on my friend’s back and the biggest one pushes me up against the brick wall. He throws a straight right at my head which I easily dodge and he destroys his hand. He is holding it screaming, so I punch him the nose, which explodes. Now…