[Spike Jones voice]

Meanwhile, Sebastian Vettel is not only Driver of the Day, he’s also Engineer of the Day and Strategist of The Day. Jeez, what the hell, Ferrari? You need an intervention, or at least call Lisa Su because AMD shouldn’t be on a shite car like the one you’re running.

So, that last tweet...that was a thing that happened?

What soul or morals is Deion Sanders selling? Hasn’t he always been a piece of shit narcissist?

He’s a Florida man. That’s all you need to know.

Did Deion Sanders ever have morals in the first place? This is the same dude who “found Jesus” when it became fashionable and profitable, like his buddy MC Hammer.

your photo editors have a gift for choosing the absolute most unflattering stills of people

When I was growing up in Fundie Land, I was told that anyone who didn’t obey the exact wording of the Bible was going straight to Hell for being a fake Christian. Now I’m convinced that if anyone’s going to Hell, it’s going to be the people who preached “Christian values” but “didn’t do these things for others” — said…

He launched his career in wingnuttia by bragging about how he was going to stay a virgin until marriage.

Well, mine dried up like the Old West when I heard his voice. A tumble weed rolled out.

Trump’s plan is that you die. It isn't like you went to his inauguration. 

Wait, Ben Shapiro is married, yet he’s unfamiliar with wet pussies?

I am no conspiracy theorist, but...

And all the brothels, no wait they’d probably like that. 

“They said if you don’t go, we will kill you,” Elbiaadi said.

“The Spartans definitely wouldn’t have left me in a field to die, because I am special!”

Or the thing that made Rome so wildly successful for 400 years- incredibly low standards for gaining citizenship. In fact the tightening of these restrictions resulted in a failure to fully assimilate the various Germanic peoples into the empire and the sacking of Rome itself.

... to say nothing of the vibrant communal bath culture ...

“sets a dangerous precedent,” because it leads to a “victimhood mentality.”

“We need to be more like the Greeks and the Romans!”