Yeah, that’s how they test for gonorrhea and chlamydia....gotta get in there somehow

Reasons not to wear a condom.

You don’t have to have more than one partner to feel the need to go get checked. I mean, you could get checked just because you’re into having a disgruntled healthcare employee shove a q-tip into your pee hole

Ay bro, I know you’re wicked butthurt right now, but you need to just relax. May I suggest that you get yourself some Dunkin Donuts, one of those awful Samuel Adams beers; that is if you can steal one from your passed out step-father, and rub a couple out to The Depahted. It’s going to be ok, you’re going to be ok.…

I just imagined your basic attire is something along the lines of this.

Maple Leafs. They’re Canada’s Browns.

I can’t go there, I’d be walking around screaming “SHUT IT DOWN” , like Jon Taffer, at everyone.

Nope, Four Treys in Roscoe Village

Did Karaoke at a 4am bar in Chicago with 2 buddies. Did a breathtaking rendition of “Wild Wild West” that was prematurely cut short due to one participant being incapable of reading the words to the song, another incapable of keeping up with the fast past verses, and finally there was me, who could only mutter “picka…

1st kid. - Uniform was a nice touch. Decent distance, not an utter embarrassment.

“Hey dad, I know you said you didn’t want anything this year, but if you’re anything like me, you’re gonna loooove this. Happy Father’s day, big guy. *gag*”

- Casey Anthony

Marriage isn’t my thing, but just because he’s a goalie, doesn’t mean I can’t score.

Yeah, by me. I’m unoriginal as fuck

I love Crawford. His favorite word is fuck, my favorite word is fuck. He likes Rise Against, I like Rise Against. He gets drunk and falls down stairs, I get drunk and fall down stairs.

I’m a free spirit.

I will wear a goddamn onesie to the grocery store if I so please.