Yup. My diet got worse and my husband’s got so much better. His mom is a shitty cook who cooks all vegetables down to mush and then adds sugar. He was convinced he hated most every vegetable until I cooked them for him. He also had never been exposed to any dressing but ranch which he hated. Now he loves salads with…

It does hae excellent noodle dishes and I tried to get her to order one but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t even look at any of them to see if she might like to try one or listen to any suggestions we offered.

Oh yes, this was me, too. I never had kid cereals until college, did’t develope a taste for sodas until I could buy them myself, and I still don’t eat potato chips. I was mocked relentlessly for taking carrots to school in my lunchbox but even when I’m being “bad” my diet is pretty great now that I’m an adult.

That last story reminded me of my own experience with old people resorting to violence.

I openly dispise picky eaters and their piece of shit parents who enable them. Adult picky eaters who won’t shut the fuck up are the bane of my world. There are so fucking many of these whiny snowflakes in my family that I have zero sympathy any more.

When you’re small to begin with, everyone assumes you are having multiples just because of how dramatic the growth is and how early you show. I’m five feet tall and was thin and fit before I got pregnant. I looked a lot like that at 20 weeks and people around me would not shut up about twins. Towards the third…

OMG, the “I’m *kid’s* mommy” introductions.

I don’t want mom friends. I have friends who are also mothers but friendships based on mom status are annoying, micro-managing, competitive contrivances. I’m sick of talking about, living for, and obsessing over my kid. Can I just have friends that are mine instead of strategic plans for my child?

Hey, uh, Bristol? Have you maybe thought that some birth control might have saved you from being the laughingstock that you are?

She’s one of those friends I’ve known since childhood but definitely wouldn’t have chosen as a friend had we met at an older age...

I’ll gladly make the sacrifice to take a walk, collect pretty leaves, and sell that shit to sad people who live where there are no seasons. I’ll even sell you six for $19.99. That’s twice the leaves for your money!

The one person I know who vapes has zero consideration* for anyone else so I’m kind of biased. She just loves to vape in stores and restaurants and then get all offended when they ask her to stop. It’s embarrassing. She got miffed at me for asking her not to do it in my house or car. Look, it may “just be steam” but…

You may be able to help them with a nail treatment. I know a lot of people have mentioned the Sally’s Hard As Nails but I like Nail-Aid better. The Sally’s brand peels off my nails. Besides that, a folic acid supplement is magic. Don’t get the expensive “hair and nails” vitamins, folic acid is the powerhouse and a big…

Rent disagrees.

I gave up on polish entirely and just settled for keeping the cuticles nice and the length reasonable.

OMG, when I was pregnant my nails grew so fast and strong. It was actually kind of awful. I had to trim them twice a week.

I didn’t even realize I was Canadian!

My nails are the strongest, fastest growing nails ever. I can open packages with them. I can fix loose screws with them. I have to use a metal file on them. I have broken more than one set of clippers. I could defend myself from predators with them. They are my one vanity. (ok, one of two but I’m not on speaking terms…

They emit this smelly black goo as a defense mechanism. It smells weird and organic, kind of like sour mud.

There is an animal often sold as a micropig but the only way to keep them small is to keep them on the edge of starvation :(