A guy I never dated and who was barely more than an acquaintance gave my husband permission to date me. That’s the closest I ever got to dudes fighting over me. Bask in the weird that is my life.

What.

Team no one.

Nazi memorabilia collectors are strange.

I met David Sedaris at a reading once and completely lost my cool. I’m not the fangirling type but I got so starstruck that I just kind of babbled at him while he tried to make conversation and, for some reason, explained my very simple job to him when he asked what I did.

I own nothing that would allow me to walk through that neighborhood.

I get that sports are ridiculous and how seriously the American public takes this shit is horrifying but people - including sports reporters - have jobs to do. I’ve done stupid, pointless jobs before where someone brought their kid and stopped me from getting my work done and guess what? I was still the one that got…

That phone could never be clean enough for me after having a slab of unrefrigerated meat smear its way across the screen for however long that exhibit is up.

This pic, tho.

Because Bella is the Mary Suest of all Mary Sues and her super special vampire baby is Mary Sue Jr.

I live to spread the holy word of Nye.

There is murder in that smile.

Aw, that’s sweet in such a dopey kind of way. The best embarrassing stories are the ones you retell with a smile.

When I got engaged and told my favorite one-upper friend, she didn’t congratulate me. She didn’t squeal in excitement. She didn’t wish me well. She asked me to invite both her and her sometimes boyfriend to the wedding so he would “get the idea”.

It’s life’s hardest choice.

TL;DR: Possible people > actual people

Dear uncles who don’t creep on their nieces:

HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED SUCH A FEAT OF MAGNIFICENCE??