How do we know she wasn’t on fire before she went out into the street?

He can’t even console himself with pretzels. It’s practically a Greek tragedy.

He used to love steak. Now he doesn’t even enjoy it!

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

Can we stop using “pussy” as a word to mean weak though? My vagina has birthed three god damn kids.

You know what? He has a better ass than I would have ever imagined. That said, I have never once thought to myself “I wonder what Danny DeVito’s ass is like.”

I’m severely depressed too! I never thought I’d say that with enthusiasm!! What can I say, my depression came on suddenly like a big cruel ocean wave. But I hate my job too (now, that is. I used to love it) my cat died just before the holidays. I’ve got no friends either (I have a great one in Australia but I’m so…

How does a 37 year-old woman in 2016 not know that this is offensive? Sincerely confused by this. And don’t say “Well she grew up around people like this” or “she’s from some idiotic all white town and doesn’t have any non-white friends” because there’s this thing called TV and movies and the news and various other…

Friend, as someone who got drug in to trying it by a woman I was briefly interested in, let me assure you you’re not missing a damn thing. And I have no idea what the fuck I need some horse shit special app for so you can send me pictures of your goddamn food anyway.

MySpace isn’t going anywhere...every single person under 25 uses it everyday.

So...snapchat will come and go before I even bother to try it...
This is what “old” feels like.

I’m the worst sort of frosting hog.. I’ve got a new system for getting more cake into my face. Which is, when my child is at a birthday party, I show up to pick her up about fifteen minutes early, which is when they’re usually cutting up the cake. And then the mom says “oh, would you like some cake?” “Oh me? Oh I…

BUT IT’S 2016!!! Chastity belts are soooo 1423.

I look at my sleeping infant son and know in my heart that I would not defend him if he did what this kid did

Or as I’ve said elsewhere, the turd doesn’t fall far from the asshole.

My parents love me. They will love me no matter what. They would come visit me in jail. They would not defend me raping somebody.

“and that he will “never be his happy go lucky self [sic]” again.”

Yeah, I think in America, people tend to think of “racial issues” as concerning white people’s racism against black people. And because that’s the kind of racism that tends to get thought about and talked about most (even though it’s still not talked about nearly enough), I think that probably causes some misplaced…