That last step is crucial. Honestly, some part of me is always a little disappointed if something I make isn't blisteringly hot for that first bite.

Did... did you bake them?

my grandfather was dying, most of the family was gathered around, and his wife of 48 years went to bed because "she needed to be refreshed in the morning".

My dad is the third type of dude. My mom had crazy ass periods and she bled all over her skirt on their first date, and had to send someone from the bathroom to tell my dad what happened. He took off his jacket, asked the woman to bring it to my mom, and drove my mom home as though nothing had happened, walked her to…

This isn't really dumb, but I was at my finest and sneakiest as a third grader when I would get this weird rash from the cold Winter air outside (idk, still happens, v odd) so I would go to the nurse for Benadryl after recess.

Benadryl has never made me sleepy, but since they knew that was a potential side-effect my…

We had a MONSTER WOMAN of a PE teacher who showed absolutely no mercy with feminine issues. I could be squirting blood out with every sit-up and it would mean nothing. Such a unique taste of woman-to-woman cruelty.

My brother: "I can't afford to fly out to see Dad this summer, because we really need to buy new patio furniture."

Worst excuse she thought was bullshit, but was real:

this is one I actually used. I was five years old, playing with my cousins at my Babcia's house. She was making dinner and was a terrible cook. When she called us in for dinner, I told her I couldn't eat because I was sick. She asked what was wrong, and I told her it was prostate cancer.

Don't know if this is an excuse but:

This is both my worst excuse and also, what I think, is my last lie hurrah with my parents. (I think every person has that one last big lie that they try—and probably fail—to get past their parents. Mine most definitely failed.)

My parents and little bros were off visiting family in…

I was asked out by a guy in college who I didn't really like. Instead of being an adult and telling him "no thanks," I said yes, then cancelled the day of the date. My excuse: I fell asleep on a decorative pillow and my face was waffled from the pattern.

A coworker once said she couldn't come into work because she was too upset over other-employee getting pregnant before her when she had been trying forever and the other employee did it accidentally.

In high school one of the guys in my health class showed up about five minutes late for class. When he arrived the teacher asked why he was late. He replied "I saw two girls making out and I HAD to watch them."

Pretty much any combinations of words coming out of the talking hole of a guy trying to get me to fuck him without a condom.

When I was in eleventh grade, my depression was getting out of control. I was actually about two months away from a suicide attempt, but obviously didn't know that yet. I was taking chemistry with an evil teacher who clearly hated students and was just waiting for full pension. He was a bully to his students and I…

Real conversation from about 4 years ago, between me and my husband who was supposed to have quit smoking:

"Dave, eat a Snickers. Because you get horny when you're hungry."

Yes, he had previous assault and robbery convictions, was in and out of jail, and was in the area at the time. I think the poor girl stumbled onto a robbery and was murdered as a result.

Calvin Harris ft. Taylor Swift, "Sorry (2006)"

Now that Karlie is going to uni, Taylor needs a sidepiece to keep the bed warm until she gets back.