That's lovely. I adore babies, but they are attention hogs. If you gave them all the attention they wanted, you would forget what your husband looked like. So many parents seem to just put their marriage on the back-burner when they have children, and I find it really sad. Hang on to your best friend! :)

Ha ha. "Love thy chicken."

If I had one I would build a tiny house for him.

My parents always said they put their marriage first, and my siblings and I were always loved and well fed. As I got old enough to notice, I realised that some time after dinner my parents would both sit down in another room with a cup of tea and talk about grown-up stuff at length, and laugh over things that had…

You've submitted your boyfriend for our approval, and we have found him...acceptable. *bangs gavel*

I'm pretty sure in Australia it's illegal to disrupt nesting birds, so calling the local wildlife foundation is the right thing to do. I'm sure not everyone would bother, though.

There's a dove nesting in a tree outside my mom's kitchen window, and she keeps worrying about it.

He probably put the nest on his car just to meet grrrls. Hey, the dove's his wingman!

The frustrating thing is men are required to get physically stronger, and women are required to be, effectively, weaker.

She mentioned that even her director was worried about how much weight she lost. I'm pretty sure this is how that conversation went:

Yes, I always feel like he never looked the same again. You have to wonder what extreme fluctuations in weight do to a person's internal organs. Jared Leto did the ssme thing, gaining a lot of weight for a role, and then slimming down drastically to play an AIDS patient (I think?) I'm just not convinced that movies…

I saw a clip of David Attenborough talking to a blind baby rhino recently, and the rhino makes little squeaky sounds like Beaker from the Muppets: "Mee! Mee mee mee!" I seriously think these baby rhinos are charming little grifters who get together and work out how to be as cute as they can possibly be.

It was nice that you asked first, though.

Exactly. Because wearing a swan-shaped dress is so ridiculous compared to, say, having yourself sprayed orange or gluing somebody else's hair to your scalp. The joke is on you, Hollywood!

Yeah, but she'd be like "don't let them eat cake!"

I wonder if these people go the ballet and say "hey, that lady is dressed like a SWAN! *snort*"

I know, right? Bjork wears a swan dress to the Oscars, and for years afterwards everyone is like "Bjork wore a SWAN DRESS! To the OSCARS!" As though Bjork is at home cringing with embarrassment and wishing she'd worn the red strapless ballgown instead. Nobody gets it.

"...part of what makes it so special is the sense of suspension."

Is it bad that I want to feed her children Cup-A-Soup and see what happens?

I'm 33, and I can say the autumn years of a woman's life are truly a joy. I have few of my own teeth left, so I spend most of my days in a rocking chair on the front porch eating cornmush and waiting for death.