My lawyer has advised me not to go into detail. Buuuuuut if there are any takers...?

“...his genitals came flying out of his shorts while trying to beat five seconds.”

I have never met this woman in my life, but I love her already.

First of all, Greg — big fan. Congrats on the fellowship or whatever you just got handed.

I love this comment. And I’d like all of you to love this comment too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love it.

“Do these pants make my ass look fat?”

Cruz has always kept his campaign staff on a short leash.

That’s a damned nice gym for a high school.

It’s Always Sunny In Chavez Ravine.

“And now stay tuned for ‘Harpo Marx: The Final Years.’”

Jack Ruby basically shot Oswald on impulse as he was walking by the Dallas police headquarters (right place at the right time!).

By the way, the answer to your little calculation is “i” (as in, “I put the swag back in science”).

Your face goes to college. ZING!

Offer good until January 1, 1863.

Man, I am not going to feel good about buying that one.

Not if you apply melted wax evenly around the rim.

One you’ve crossed the 6'6" barrier, why bother exaggerating?

1. Take a tube of biscuit batter (one of those Pillsbury jobbers).

I don’t know... 6'7", 6'8"?