I remember when I played baseball as a kid, I was listless. Lazy. Slouchy. Then one day, my coach showed me the error of my ways by saying I should go fuck myself with two helmets covered in pine tar and duck-taped to a 34-inch Louisville Slugger. Sideways. Not only did I out-dive and out-routine every other player in…

He just wanted to get used to seeing him behind glass.

That's really strange.

It's ok to make 'a' joke, so let us know when you're ready.

The drugs team doctors told them were okay? Remember, this is before the internet here; you couldn't just Google percodan and say "hey maybe that's not good."

Evidence that NFL players are clearly NOT treated like race horses:

I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon.
When I hit the turf, I had no plan.
I just threw my body all over the field.
I can't dance, but I sure loved these pills.
One day the league told me it's all OK.
Toradol, Percocet, Novocain.
30 years on, what's all this kerfuffle?
Just Jim McMahon doin' the Class Action Shuffle.

Touré: [makes himself a sad little birthday cake]

They got Roy Green so doped up he spent 11 years with the Cardinals.

"He rhetorically asked if I was aware who was responsible for Marge Schott being thrown out of Major League Baseball. I told him I was pretty sure that Marge Schott was."

Girl my dick is like James Joyce: long and hard and forced on you in English class

"Baby, you must be Sylvia Plath 'cause you make me want to put my head in your oven."

"Hey girl, you must be Lucrezia Borgia 'cause you make me want to put something in your drink."

"Hey girl, you must be Margret Atwood 'cause I'm dyin' for your handmaid's tail."

Say what you will, but she's only hanging from that pole to help pay her way through college.

I'm so glad you asked this, qualityofpercyharvin, because it too is something of a quaestio vexata for me. In fact, any time I even look at a female athlete, the first thought that pops into my head is "I wonder where she falls on the spectrum of sexuality." After that, my second thought is "I guess it doesn't really…

HEY! GUYS! LOOK! SOMEONE MISSED THE JOKE!

I really do want to help, Samer. But could you please post a description of the cat instead?

From the outside I look like your average Johnny. Wife, kids, house in the burbs. We might have a dog, too, I can’t say. I may have the looks of a 38 year old, but on the inside I was dead. Until we packed the sedan and moved to Tampa.

I clicked the send button on my message to Inaction Jackson and was about to return to the final chapter of my copy of "P" Is for Punter when a head full of blonde hair suddenly illuminated my dark corner of the locker room. She had legs longer than a goal post and a short skirt that ended just before her end zone.…