I make that same noise when I run out of salsa, but still have chips in the bowl.

I DON’T HAVE ANY BAD CELEB STORIES AND I’M SAD.

Not really. My grandfather and uncles died before I was born. I liked a few of my mother’s boyfriends but they never really stuck around long enough for me to see them as father figures (and maybe this is because I was just so used to not having one).

If I check “I know I DON’T want it, HAHAHA U FEEL ME?” isn’t it the same as checking yes? Or did I listen to that song incorrectly?

When I heard the term “sexy ladybugs” I was reminded of former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell.

tweet of the day

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

“Any police officer especially would have reacted in the exact same way I reacted”

Man, that’s awful. You know, I’ve recently been in touch with a prince from over there and he’s probably going to owe me a favour after I help him out with a little jam with his finances. I’ll see if he can look into it.

WOMEN: BE NATURALLY PERFECT AT ALL TIMES.

According to Tabler, “My suspicion is that girls who are preoccupied with weight and appearance and insecure at very young age—that follows you.”

Ok, whoever placed this scale on the floor is crazy.

tralalalalallalalalla if I can trick my dad into thinking I've been knocked up yet again, it will all be worth it.

"Sorcia, I'm in love with your best friend [a dude with a hilariously ridiculous name that I cannot post here]. We're moving to Virginia and I hope you'll be happy for us."

I am skeptical that she's lived for so long BECAUSE of the Dr. Pepper, I think it's more likely that she's just some magical-trickster-sorceress and it's IN SPITE of the Dr. Pepper.

RIGHT!

I've just had a public mental breakdown over a spreadsheet and yesterday I got stuck in a new shirt and had to cut myself out of it.

I told all of my friends that I didn't like this guy that much. That he was "too nice" (what does that even mean?!?) and I couldn't see it. Two years later, we are happily cohabitating and talking about marriage when we get drunk.

I don't feel like there get to be gatekeepers for who is allowed to say they feel queer.