Then someone made this goddamned masterpeice with it:

Tom Brady and Donald Trump; two assholes infamous for their pathetic, saggy balls.

easier to wear than their fall/winter 2015

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

I wrote a parody of Passion of the Christ (as a kind of performance art piece) that was so sacrilegious that my friends who performed in it had their kid taken away in a custody dispute when the Catholic judge was shown pics of it. Took years to straighten out. Worst thing I ever accidentally did.

I don’t believe anyone is twisting his words. They’re untwistable.

Why don’t you take a seat over there, Jared?

Fogle appeared on a very premature episode of VH1’s I Love the New Millennium

When my wife and I first started living together as a (not yet married) couple, I noticed on a lazy rainy Saturday that she kept getting up from the couch we were sharing to go to the bathroom. It took about five trips before I realized she was going in there to fart. Then I said the words that have haunted me ever…

Banana. Ridges. Grooves. Perfectly made. Non-slip. Contents don’t squirt in your face. I made it 42 seconds and now have to go to my bedroom to take care of bizness. Thanks.

I haven’t seen this one, but the favorite comment I saw on Facebook included this line:

When I go running, I fart. A lot. Normally I am running by myself so I just let them rip without shame, or until I am at least far enough away from the person running past me to claim a smelt it dealt it situation. So one night I had gone for a 5 mile jog at this park near my house (shout out to Green Lake) and I…

So cute. Like a communal burka.

Good luck! If you’re already doing the Korean multi-step routine, it should be that much more effective. (I started with just foaming cleanser and have been adding steps every couple months once I figure out what works... so I’m pretty confident in my assessment that Snail Bee is The Shit.)

Sounds like you need an emotional support animal.

You’re calling people “sissies” and “whiny babies” because they’re pointing out that pets can get lost or killed when treated like cargo and that some of the animals on planes are service animals while at the same time you’re making a big fuss about pet dander. Why is pet dander more of a tough guy issue than any of…

Same.

Just limit it to the rude customers. I had to stop going to a coffee place near my old office because I’d convinced myself I was allergic or something to some ingredient they were using - every time I stopped there instead of making my own coffee at home, I ended up with a wicked headache for the rest of the day.…

They came from an hour away with a thirst for loafage,

“It’s that thing, where you cover a midget in ground beef, then they dance under the hot lights until it cooks.”