I forgot all about Ratchet — RATCHET, the doctor — going all Chow Yun-Fat with a pair of laser pistols. Works about as well as you’d expect that to work IRL, but he tries.

What is that spaceship made of that he can just fire into the floor like that!?!

Ugh, this article for starters?

I thought I’d add a new take on a fan favorite.

Sometimes you’ve gotta burn your ships. It’s just the way it goes.

I miss kickball

See, I needed a new heel for my shoe. Which meant I had to take the ferry to Shelbyville. Now in those days the ferry cost a nickel and nickels had pictures of bees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you’d say.

My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

Emmitt Smith: So that’s why they call it an “oldbitchuary.”

Thanks Dave.

Because Rod Blagojevich was on Celebrity Apprentice.

Pros: More time to check twitter

Jesus fucking Christ...

I would probably respond to this article, Drew, but I need to check with George Soros on what liberal talking points and affirmations I need for this subject. As a paid protester and actor hired by Open Society Foundations, I want to properly represent my opinion that aligns with His (Soros) views.

Thank God this guy was wearing headphones:

I’m 46 and I give myself a thorough trimming just about every Friday. Then I call my wife and remind her to pick up some booze on her way home from work.

It’s more fun to go off the side of the boat and then run and tell your friends to “come look, there’s a fish!” and then they run over and they look at your poo.

To be fair, he is probably exhausted from having more sex than any of the 113 men who finished in front of him.

A list of U.S. winter olympians that does not include Eric Heiden is a traveshamocery:

He would flip his bat after a single in the 9th inning, with his team up 18-2, and a right fielder pitching.