I need 2000 Chris Pratt to rescue me from a band of unsavoury men set on defiling my person. Preferably, he will rescue me on horseback while wearing a kilt. My bosom will be heaving appropriately as I gaze into his cerulean blue orbs.

And in unrelated news, a recent census shows a 2000% increase in parents naming their child "Douchemaster McChest." Goverment officials are perplexed by the sudden sharp increase. Back to you, Joan.

...I want this to be a poster on my wall in the year 2014.

in a year circa 2000 this would be poster on my wall

Or this one:

I love this man. He could read the phone book and I would call it art and listen attentively.

The elephant is so gentle, simply wanting to wake the dog. Amazing animals. I once saw a trainer abusing an elephant for a circus that was in town. I never, ever went to a circus again. I could tell what the elephant was feeling, and couldn't believe what I was seeing. Yes, I was a sensitive little Ogre. Fuck…

You become a Vegan in Purgatory?

you've already been to one.

I just planned my best friend's wedding. We rented the function room of a local rugby team, had a taco truck, her dad's band played, a friend who is a kick-ass baker supplied the cake, another friend did the place-settings and invites, her mother made her dress. There was a make&take candy table that doubled as…

I mean, an entire nation of Golden Retrievers sounds pretty appealing to me.

This is where is started. Millions of pre-teen masturbation crushes born of these non-threatening brush strokes.

Two words: Easy access.