After this past Halloween's scary story extravaganza on Jez, I was so sucked in that I insisted that my husband sit down and negotiate with me, in all seriousness, the ways in which we are, and are NOT, allowed to haunt one another when one of us dies.

I'm sorry, but your headline really oversold it. This is approximately the level terror this inspired:

They probably also finish each other's sandwiches.

I am neither muppet nor baby nor nanny and I demand representation!

I wonder what the population of women in women-only prisons is? I bet it's higher.

While the whole dog thing is sad, it's very obvious that Miley lacks formal education each time she writes something. I feel like I'm reading something a twelve year old wrote.

Yes, we make love every night on a big pile of $$$$$ in our Crystal Chandelier Cushiony Velvet Castle Cave.

I screencap it for my blog then go weep into my ice cream as I Google Cat Lady Starter Kits because that's obviously the direction my life is going if these are my only choices.

omg

Erin's. Will he/she be sent by post?

Back in my day (2008?) we just had sex with people to get a sense of whether or not they were worth going on a date with.

Whoever can tell me whose social media accounts were used for these screenshots gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Would anyone be interested in my similarly-themed DIY article, "Everything I Fucked Up While Trying To Act Like Anthony Bourdain For Most of My Twenties"?

...and noted Veela Gwyneth Paltrow

...

Gross. Once, when my husband and I were first dating — as in, within the first three months or so, I think — I was at an extended family gathering and they starting ribbing my husband about a birthmark he has that is apparently infamous. It is a large round one placed squarely in the middle of his butt cheek. At…

Thighs and shoulders. That said, my type tends to resemble whoever I'm dating. Neat, well-groomed hands and feet are really my only requirement. Hot damn, is there anything sexier than a pair of strong, well-used hands that have nails you aren't afraid to have near your bits? I've hit on men just because of their…

But theoretically? It's Emily Ratajkowski or gtfo.