Now my options are Habs-B's (ho-ckey?), Maryland-Hopkins lax, Padres-Astros for some reason, or O's-Cleveland.

NO. I ran downstairs like a kid on Christmas, turned on the TV, found HBO, and NOTHING.

Wait wait wait. HBO is free? And I get to watch that fight?

Bear in mind that less than half the NY team is American. That said, MLS simply can't pay enough yet to lure top-flight talent from abroad here, or keep top-flight American talent in the country (with a few notable exceptions, like Landon Donovan).

I live in the Northeast and am unfamiliar with this "Tornado Warning" scrolling across every channel on my TV. That means go out on my porch and watch the lightning, right?

Redacted, tasteless (just like Bud Light, amirite? No seriously, my first joke was awful.)

The 1899 Cleveland Spiders went 20-134.

1 p.m. - 1:20 p.m. Pinko Quizzo: Unapproved commenters are locked in a soundproof booth and repeat their incorrect answers over and over again, unsure if the host can hear them.

12:45-1:45 a.m. - Bart Scott's Poetic Power Hour: FEELS GREAT TO STAY UP LATE WITH BART SCOTT.

Of course, the channel will carry THE MENTALIST, but not the CBS version - it'll be a masked man in the dark, reading the Unabomber manifesto in a very loud voice.

3-3:30 p.m. - Hangin' With SirTruthington (repeat)

DUAN

+1 event horizon

That sounds better than their Sunday afternoon movie, Weekend at Uwe's.

Pittsburgh Idol's really gone downhill since Hines Ward left to do Dancing With the Stars.

No matter how many the other kids made, the counselor in the bead-fondling cabin at my summer camp always said he was only interested in my coin purse.

Uh... me too.

@Desi: The hipster/hippie line killed me.

Well, there are already hundreds of tumblrs about chicks with Brett Favre's penis, so why not?

So wait, Norm MacDonald is basically just doing Weekend Update, but with sports? Am I dead? How long before the first OJ joke?