Ah, the classic New York mammogram.

Cool story and imma let u finish but how the fuck does one become an ocularist?  Can more than one even exist at time?

Jesus Christ a freaking eyelash under my contacts brings me to my knees.

Weirdest one: Doing my math homework in elementary school, i dropped my book, paper, a ruler and a pencil onto the floor, where it randomly formed a catapult. Turned around to do something, stepped on the ruler, and fired the pencil point-first into the back of my calf, where it stuck there, leaving a blue spot that…

When I was a kid I went off an enormous rope swing into a muddy Missouri river, and yelled like tarzan as I let go.......and caught the last knot on the rope with my front two teeth (permanent). The were yanked perpendicular to the rest of my teeth, facing straight out. We had to wake up the local dentist (it was…

I was snowboarding for the first time the year that Bono and Kennedy got killed skiing. I was cruising down a green run doing really well, when the skier in me thought to try the powder by the trees. I woke up in an emergency room 2 hours away (Denver) with a tube down my throat and half a dozen doctors/nurses fussing…

I was probably 41 when this happened. Before I go further, let me explain that I am a very large woman. I’m clinically obese, but I am blessedly proportionately large everywhere.

Holy. Shit.

I was 16 and just learning to drive. My father and I had a big evening planned, he had a scheduled haircut which we were running a bit late for and then we were going to play tennis. I thought my dad asked me to go start the car, so I obliged even though it was summer and starting the car is a very minimal time savings…

Like many of you (but probably not nearly enough of you) I trim my pubes.....

Classic Jessica.

Fell off a bathroom counter when I was 10 because I was trying to see what my asshole looked like. 

Like many of you (but probably not nearly enough of you) I trim my pubes. For this I have a hair trimmer with all sorts of attachment heads. One was used for trimming my goatee (it was 2005, those were still acceptable) or cleaning up my sideburns but there was one, with a guard, that I used downstairs.

I got my first concussion due to an extremely dumb confluence of events. It was one of those gym days where the teacher basically says “eh, do whatever you want”, so my friend Pete and I were trying to kick soccer balls from one end of the basketball court into the hoop at the other end. A few foot behind us, our…

In 8th grade, I arrived a couple of minutes early to science class. I spotted what I thought was a scale on the table. I do not know why I thought it was a scale, but I went over to it and pushed down as hard as I could with my palm. Except it wasn’t a scale. It was a searing hot hotplate. I scorched the shit out of…

Before mine, I’m curious if Megan can share what would be an appropriate amount of human blood in her soup that would stop her from throwing soup out?

I was 13 and trying to impress a girl I liked, so I tried to catch a football with one hand while making eye contact with her. Our eyes locked for a few seconds while I felt the point of the ball connect perfectly with my right pinkie. It was cold outside so the ball was basically a weapon. Severely dislocated, I…

I have another one that isn’t quite as on-brand but is pretty stupid anyway.

Story 2: My wife’s family had a pizzeria that I’d often swing by on the weekend for a slice or two while running errands. She was working that day and brought me two 2 slices, which I proceeded to drown in parm cheese and pepper flakes. While eating, I rub my eye and within seconds, it starts to burn worse than I’ve…

I worked at a cookie bakery, which used parchment paper to line the baking trays. We also used a lot of caramel, which if it spread to the edge of the paper, would be very difficult to separate from the paper. While cleaning a pan, the line where the paper had peeled away had become sharp, and I cut my middle finger…