Now if you’re here for a sad penguin, let Werner Herzog narrate this footage of a depressed penguin trudging off into the wasteland to die.

Oh, no. Now the Padres won’t be very good.

Peter King came to my town once. Went to a diner and loved the coffee so much he drank four pots. Then he took a three flush shit. You could hear the splashing sounds from the sidewalk. Afterwards he comes out smiling, telling us all, “Hell of a toilet you got there. American Standard. Nothing like it.”

Not to mention his dad, Howie, was a firefighter in 1998's Firestorm.

Dramatic tension requires one Cabinet-level person to be kicked off the island each week. Donald may not understand governing, but he enjoys firing people on television.

So a Seahawk decided to pass at the last minute, huh.

The Stars have been largely directionless since they moved from Minnesota.

Um, I think Ashley already posted this blog this morning?

Also, the huge and ugly knee pad across the lower dash is missing. That’s what those big silver screws are supposed to hold on. Part of the passive-safety package.

No no, he lost, so today he’s Scottish.

But it left her computer monitor a goddamn mess.

Do you remember how hard it was to cut and paste back then? You had to use Elmer’s glue, round scissors, magazines, sometimes even newspapers. I admire her for putting in so much more effort to cheat than it would have ever been to do it on the level. To do that for 2000 words is goddam heroic.

Okay, so I think I got this figured out. So some time around 8 weeks or so ago, Aaron Rodgers woke up at midnight and went down to the crossroads of Lombardi and Starr Avenues. There, sitting under a lamppost, he observed a strange man, his face obscured by a black, logoless football helmet, through which the only…

Bob Myers, general manager of the Warriors, told a great story about how clueless Klay Thompson can be sometimes. During Thompson’s rookie year the Warriors had a 2 point lead, the ball and less than 24 seconds on the clock. So of course in that situation you run out the clock. Well Thompson takes a shot and gave the…

You mean he got paid a lot of money to get injured?

Need the daylight. You don’t sell the stream, you sell the shimmer.

You almost nailed it. The punch is supposed to go something like “If we lose that last engine, we’re gonna be up here all goddam day!”

A minor failure is when the engine doesn’t want to play by your rules.

All others are wrong: