How many ways can you avoid saying that the president is a bumbling, pillow-fisted shit-for-brains, in a story about that exact fact?

You really are as stupid as you appear to be, aren’t you? Bye, troll.

Some things can’t be unseen. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Thanks, Samer.

Maybe you could remember who’s sitting in the Oval Office today, instead of nattering on about what Obama “should have” done. Have you invented a time machine so you can go back and fix it?

“Some of my best friends are black.” The scope of this man’s self-delusion is staggering.

That will no longer be true as of some time Friday afternoon. Saturday is hereby cancelled. Keep twitching.

An Atlanta suburb, actually. Close!

A fellow got me with this one many years ago:

So, instead of being patient and helping them master a fundamental life skill, I have chosen the easy way out and given them pouch food that will have them suckling like an infant until age 37. I see no problem with my decision.

It’s not a “wallet.”

This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.

I have always believed that if you learn three phrases in any foreign language, they will take you a long way: “Please,” “Thank you” and “Where is the toilet?” A smile and some patience go miles, as well. When traveling, make sure you check cultural no-nos, as well!

He’s not coming.

Phrasing?!?

We live in a “post-truth” world now, anyway. A star for you!

Not every city in the world follows these naming conventions exactly, but you’d be surprised how many do.

Our wonderful future V.P. Mike Pence was harassed last night at the theater by the cast of Hamilton...

Alternatively:

I, too, am “tired of getting the HIGH HAT!!” R.I.P., Johnny Caspar.

This is the proper answer to anyone who admits to or is convicted of domestic violence. Suspension? That’s bullshit, buh-bye, Josh.