Obligatory:

Good? It's "MONEY"...(sorry, I'll show myself out.)

Alternatively, "Newman's" reaction to being forced to eat some: [Spits out broccoli, starts shouting] "Vile weed! Quick, get me some honey mustard!!"

[In best Homer Simpson voice] Bring me my ranch dressing hose! (Claps hands)

A famous reporter came through with this story, and that reporter's name was Bill O'Reilly. Oh, it be real!

I think you would really enjoy this man's work.

That ain't workin' that's the way you do it.

One of the best things to come out of Chicago. Deep dish pizza? Not so much....

I'm going to let Sir Arthur Conan Doyle have the last word on redheads:

I didn't know Bill O was black!

"Courteney Cox's fiancé Johnny McDaid has "forbidden" any cosmetic procedures before their wedding..." Son, that train left the station some time ago....

"Maybe you just don't get the whole concept of strip clubs; why would you pay for not-sex?" Exactly. (Yes, I am aware it's possible to get a handy or a BJ in the back, but really?) I have enough sexual frustration in my life, thank you, I don't really need to pay for some more of the same. To each his own, of course.

Admit it, Magary, you're really a sparrow. Or a pigeon. They can't figure out mirrors, either.

Magary would like a word with you; you're stealing his Emmitt routine. Now, can you do Robert Evans?

I'll bet you a buck that both animals were stag-gered by the outcome of this battle. (Oh, deer me! I did it too!)

I begin to think that every single one of these "stories" should be preceded by "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me..." Pure fantasy, every time. Thanks for doing your duty here, Jez, keep up the good work.

I was ready to blast you, based on the headline. I only eat cereal on the weekends, and I'm damned if I'm going to eat it dry. Nonetheless, I must agree with the rest of your premise. I don't ever drink it as a beverage. (Note, not lactose-intolerant. I just like dairy in all its forms.)

Dude, the star of Walking Tall! Truly bad '70s action film about a legendary, real-life Southern sheriff. Just a cut above Tom Laughlin's awful Billy Jack films.

I don't think I ever had it in cans, but when at school in Albany, I drank a shitload of this stuff. The bar special was $2 Tuesday pitchers (not a big pitcher, probably a quart.) For broke college students it was the best deal in town. Long ago, and far away...

"Forest of Unethication"...I like you. I REALLY like you.