Admit it, Magary, you're really a sparrow. Or a pigeon. They can't figure out mirrors, either.

Magary would like a word with you; you're stealing his Emmitt routine. Now, can you do Robert Evans?

I'll bet you a buck that both animals were stag-gered by the outcome of this battle. (Oh, deer me! I did it too!)

I begin to think that every single one of these "stories" should be preceded by "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me..." Pure fantasy, every time. Thanks for doing your duty here, Jez, keep up the good work.

All I know about Van Buren is that I must hold up eight fingers if ever confronted by the members of his gang.

I was ready to blast you, based on the headline. I only eat cereal on the weekends, and I'm damned if I'm going to eat it dry. Nonetheless, I must agree with the rest of your premise. I don't ever drink it as a beverage. (Note, not lactose-intolerant. I just like dairy in all its forms.)

Dude, the star of Walking Tall! Truly bad '70s action film about a legendary, real-life Southern sheriff. Just a cut above Tom Laughlin's awful Billy Jack films.

If we had built that road, perhaps she really would be able to "see Russia from here!"

Can we please share this with Bill Maher? He still doesn't get it...

"It's a perfectly cromulent word!" On a related note, I find it ironic that English speakers were worried about the French ruining their language. I seem to recall a recent dustup in France, about their language using too many English words ("Frenglish".) But then, they do have an actual "Academie" and we don't.

I don't think I ever had it in cans, but when at school in Albany, I drank a shitload of this stuff. The bar special was $2 Tuesday pitchers (not a big pitcher, probably a quart.) For broke college students it was the best deal in town. Long ago, and far away...

"Forest of Unethication"...I like you. I REALLY like you.

Magary, get your quotes straight. It's "Nice work, Lou!" Lately, this has been made semi-famous by Chief Wiggum on The Simpsons. However, it is my theory that they stole the line from The Godfather. When Solozzo is taking Michael to the restaurant, they pretend they are going to New Jersey. Just after the magnificent…

I'm right there with you on the utter uselessness of a tie. It offers neither protection from the elements nor modesty; a purely decorative choice. Not that there's anything wrong with that, e.g. jewelry, tattoos, but ffs, why do you have to wear one with the dreaded closed collar?!? Let's get rid of the damned…

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!

And according to Moe Syzlak, that's the zip code for Springfield, which led him to move there. The moar you know....

Oof, it's getting HOT in here! Anyone have a cigarette?

Mr. Burneko, I'm a long-time fan of Foodspin, I'm now going to give you a tip of the hat for this article. Charlatans like "Dr." Wolfson (I place his title in parentheses because he's not behaving like a medical professional) should be stricken from the rolls of those allowed to practice medicine in this country (or…

Puck the Fatriots. Belicheck is a cheater, Brady is a mama's boy, and his wife is kind of ugly (one man's opinion.)

Low-hanging fruit, Ray, low-hanging fruit.