Mitchell: Mark. Can you wear a lab-coat on Monday? We have that huge press conference.

“K-cups are the most wasteful innovation in beverage technology”

“But this guy was not gonna go down easily.”

I feel like there isn’t enough comparisons between Sidney Crosby and LeBron James. They’ve had surprisingly similar career arcs, they both make everyone around them so much better, they both have notable career comparison to 80/90s ProStars stars and generally likable but sometimes insufferable personalities. Also…

My liver?

I mean... where the fuck is a Manhattan on this list?

Absolutely, the Japanese fried rice is a family favorite

11. Parmesan pastry pups

Handful of Olives.

How I feel about this whole situation.

I KNOW. I was like Team Bahbie—-wait what? Why? I just picked a team. But seriously. WhoaVicky is the WORST. She looks like a Cyrus cast off and when Miley went through her appropriation phase this chick was like, hold my beer. Her voice should be used for torture.

“We have part of the aircraft missing so we’re going to need to slow down a bit.”

Just keep your seatbelt on while you’re seated, no problem.

“Dobb Knobbin’” made me LOL at my desk

Uh, what?

Doesn’t some langauge have a word for feeling joy at others’ failure?

I believe the German word is “Saskatchewan.”

When I become a dad, dad rock will be things like Tool, Nine Inch Nails, RATM, KORN, Third Eye Blind (hell yeah), Deftones, not that bullshit glamour “metal”. I will drive them to kindergarten every morning and they’re going to be so goddamn amped up from the music that they’ll punch a fucking hole through their…

+1 footlong

Also, didn’t John Goodman ask to be written out of the show because he couldn’t stand Roseanne Barr? I wonder why he could come back for this?

Fusilli Jerry