This thing is broken. I selected a Pumpkin Ale and it didn't even suggest that I try cutting out my tongue and flushing it down the toilet.

You do whatever it takes to go home. It might be snowing but so long as she didn't break your legs, you aren't trapped. Invent a fucking jet pack and fly home for christ's sake.

...the nerve to try and task my wife to help fix this abortion

He was actually just a seat filler so they could give the impression they had a

Usually, the only time you see the Millionaires and the Senators get together is at Republican Congressional Committee fundraisers.

But if he plays his cards right, maybe he can get one of these...

When not erect it reads "Strong 4 man but".

Unless Germany is marching at your border once again, sit down and shut up til I need to outfit a college dormitory or a shitty meatball.

You could always do a quality vinyl wrap to cover only those hideous accent colors....

Big whoop. My wife's been carrying my balls for years.

Oh wow, I seriously thought this was going to be about her Claire Underwood interview.

You're doing it wrong, Tim. You're supposed to put aloe on the burn, and not vice versa.

Perfect for Cruising.

Wonders why the male seatmate resisted her advances...

Specifically, Kennedy didn't care for the part where she leaned back and to the left.

Note to self: When visiting Russia, never order "Contacts in the ass."

Captain Koons will be your waiter.

BoC: Excuse me, waiter, I'll have an Arnold Palmer.

Over the Shoulder Folgers Holder

On the plus side, any volunteer that was depressed about the lack of preparation for the Games won't be feeling down any more.