...not to be confused with Rabbi Rondo, another magnificent weirdo who also made every tip-off a show. I don't want to get all TMI with you guys, but let's just say it takes four to five hours of heavy stimulation before I can even get a stiffy.

It's like a bible of starfucking

I must warn you - be wary of the computerized fuel gauge.

Sorry, I'm an idiot, here's the picture [kills joke]

Warning: Must Water Regularly

The key is to start the disinformation campaign early

Downtown. Court square is the street. First floor of an office building. Closest subway stop is Government Center. You can find an address on Yelp. Arthur and Jim are awesome.

Barbershop DUAN

The real story here is that a guy named Franklin McNeil is black. You could give me a hundred guesses on the race of someone with that name and I still wouldn't get past "white?"

Sexxxy Sex: Too Many X's in Mommy and Daddy's Sex

"Glad I retired before anyone made the connection between horse slaughter and the NFL!"

a satanic mixture of blood, mud, and feces

Geeze, I didn't realize the Mask was such a big Gawker fan.

She is not a public figure.

+2

Information. Impulse. Action.

Age 70+: /shits self

While he's at it, might as well look for the next Pronk

You really shouldn't have messed with us like that.

Great stuff, though the Jezebeler's are going to be confused at all the humanity you spewed out here. "He sounds like a real person with feelings and stuff!" But seriously, this is perfectly written and JaVale Petrino Magary is going to appreciate reading it a few years down the road.