I'd rather get shit on by my kid every day for the next 5-6 years until he starts school (he's 3 months old) than have to pay $1,020.00 per month for daycare, which I am currently doing.

When I was on the table the doctor asked if I had any questions before he started. I said yes, I wanted to know if it was true that one of the possible side effects of the procedure was sterility. He just stared at me for a couple of seconds and then said, uh, yes. Maybe not the best time to confuse the guy about…

If you're under 30, come talk to me in ten years.

Because most people (I'll include myself) are stupid and set themselves up to fail by having unrealistic expectations of what a lifetime commitment REALLY means. And it doesn't mean always being happy or deserving to be. That's some shit the baby boomers narcissistically believed and passed on to the younger…

Its not a vacation! Its a quest, a quest for fun!

Disney World is the best thing in the world for parents.

America "oppressed" Communists? Communists are responsible for genocides that make Hitler look like a part-timer, they respect zero human rights, and their crimes against humanity continue unabated today wherever their ideology still exists. Communists are literally the worst people in the world, and yet here in the…

I'll never let my son forget the time we were invited to a party for one of his pre-school classmates. We had never met this little girl's parents. Apparently my son shared first and last names with some other kid whose parents were high up on the social ladder in a particular part of town. When we arrived and I…

I realize this is probably the Deadspin community's cup of tea, but there's a really easy place to make adult friends: church.

I don't think I will ever run out of schadenfreude over this game. The strip-sack for touchdown followed by a squib/onside might not be the safest way to win a game, but it was fucking hilarious.

What you are speaking of are the Old Testament dietary laws, which were settled at the Jerusalem Council in Acts 15, where it was determined that obedience to the Mosaic/Jewish rituals was not required for followers of Jesus. This is why Christians can eat bacon, shrimp, and lobster.

"A pet puppy. Border collie ..."

"FUN FACT: A child could go on a five-state killing spree and no parent would be heartless enough to actually bail on Christmas presents. The nice list has worse grade inflation than Harvard."

My 6 year old daughter wants a Rapunzel that is 3 feet tall and will scare the shit out of me in the middle of the night, I have repeatedly said no but she is optimistic Santa will get it for her.
My 3 year old daughter wants a jetpack.