"4.47? Let's hang out."

Eh, I always liked the big inflatable toilet. I mean, yeah, you could hear rats running around beneath the bleachers when we went to punt there during the week, it may have collapsed on its own a time or two, but you knew that Morton Andersen was always gonna be perfect on field goals there.

This is a disgrace, both to Nascar and America.

I'm not sure what value there is to an app that will only be full of men seeking a pair of women to have a threesome with.

For vain, whiny young women who mistakenly believe in their own relevance as they are cocooned in a bubble of their own outsized egos, Dunham and Mindy Kaling are the Russell and Chamberlain.

Lena Dunham, eh?

Really impressed how a sort of interesting article about loneliness managed to inspire yet another rant about fatphobia.

Internet commenting schticks are the worst kind of schticks.

20-30 minutes? AND you have kids? Where in God’s name do you find that kind of time to take a dump?

You have a choice. Free Market says you can get a job somewhere else.

Enjoy.

Still the lifetime hit leader, with three.

"Wait a minute. The pitcher was the target of the attempted murder? Haha, what a world!"

Because as we all know, the true measure of quality is how many people watch your show.

But if I don't threaten people with death, how will they know that I want them to die?

Tessler said his client was Scarlet with embarrassment when they labelled McDonald with the "A."

Player Aaaaaaaaaay

Some people slather the outside of their grilled-cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise, rather than butter, before cooking them.

[calls Child Protective Services]

I'd rather get my milk from a cow that gives it freely than from a moody pretentious cow that requires a diamond. Just saying.