“died by suicide” has to be one of the sloppiest phrases I’ve heard in awhile. You commit suicide or you kill yourself. Suicide is a motive, not a method.

Chopping off her hair. What kind of fucking medieval punishment is this? That’s what they did to women who slept with Germans during the French occupation. Getting drunk or whatever doesn’t warrant this hateful treatment. This is horrid.

I have girded (gird? begird?) my loins for the reaction to this comment: I don’t read the toast bc Ortberg is annoying on Twitter. Shallow, I know. I know!

Unfair and untrue. We are a Rhianna site.

No.

really really can’t believe someone as modest and reluctant to act like she knows best as mallory ortberg found some reason to dislike someone, seems crazy

For everyone commenting with anecdotes about their Hapa friends/relatives/dog walkers/random persons: NOT THE FUCKING POINT.

She is also part Hawaiian, which I think (since it was used in the same line as describing her as a quarter Chinese) is supposed to mean ethnically, and most Hawaiian people are not as white-looking as Emma Stone because they’re Polynesian/PI. Genetics are freaky, yeah, but I don’t think Hollywood needs anyone to play…

I really like the beginning of the video where he complains about not getting an advanced warning of his arrest and the charges against him. It’s like he’s used to living in an entirely different legal system in which crimes are negotiated away with money before charges are ever pressed. That part alone convinces me…

There is no fucking way this is not a photoshop...

Yeah, the fact that Lena’s sister is her most vocal defender is a point that the anti-Lena trolls just conveniently overlook.

It has a lot to do with intent. Lena was concerned about her sister having pebbles, uh, up there at the same level she would have been if the pebbles had been up her sister’s nose, and then there are five year old boys at my daughter’s school who stuff their hand down her pants to make other kids laugh. No matter the…

I’m not comfortable with the term “mistake.” It happened repeatedly over years with multiple victims, it was very intentional. Curiosity doesn’t suddenly make you unaware of right and wrong. I believe that he was severely lacking a real education and can pity him for that, but I have no doubt that he knew what he was…

I’m also increasingly annoyed that Josh is just referred to as a “14-year-old” when the molestation happened over years. He was not 14 the entire time over the repeated heinous offenses, but obviously they just want to refer to him as the youngest age possible. And in any case, there’s no proof that it ever even…

None of what I wrote was supposed to be taken seriously. I know all about how much the English Press and the FA in general hate FIFA. I just had to use it as a sad attempt to make a joke.

1812 was more of a draw, which makes it the perfect soccer analogy

All of that is correct.

None of that is what you said initially.

“It really is the World Cup of Fraud, and today we are issuing FIFA a red card.”

Yes, this terrible pun is completely representative of “us,” and unhip government functionaries only exist in America.

Wow, you really are a soccer fan.