Or a Nazi physicist.

NASCAR crew could've done that — and changed all 4 tires — in 12 seconds.

Franks and Beans!

"E. coli … moves its whole length in two nanoseconds. If it were the size of a Volkswagen, it would be going four times the speed of light."

Four heads up!

[takes out a big stack of cash]

I was thinking GTR or 1995 Plymouth Voyager.

Still would.

Big deal. I stole my friend's Jaguar in 1993 to party all night too, but I brought it back after 3 hours because he only had Kasumi Ninja and Syndicate and both of those games suck.

C'mon! He's the glue that holds the band together!

This is just ludicrous. I absolutely cannot believe that Geno Smith was intercepted before coming anywhere near a touchdow—

[Receives vicious blindside hit from Standards]
[Blacks out; fumbles joke]
[Spends rest of life feeling cloudy, with a sensitivity to light, GIF-related humor]

Jerzy rubs his naked torso exultantly, mist spraying around him. He leans his head back and releases his primal joy, knowing full well this isn't the last time he'll get blown by a fan today.

Look, it's pretty simple: you recruit a team, sext their moms, then bail on them for a job at another school. Do these girls want to learn the pic and roll or not?

My Top 3 Favorite Unwritten Rules of Basketball in Descending Order:

Tucker: Can I kick it?

"-Bruce the shark (dildo)"

I don't know, I kind of just poured my martini into the socket.

Wait wait wait. Pimento side in or out?

I'm not sure I agree with the charge. Clearly, she wasn't set.