Wait...is 50 Shades going to air on Lifetime, not in theaters? That's the impression I'm left with after that.

I'll give my kids a last name when they fucking earn a last name.

Better than sending him a spreadsheet, though.

How have we not yet talked about Jessica William's segment on the Daily Show about black women's hair last night?

If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son

She has one facial expression.

I watch it just for Kerry Washington's facial expressions. She is my favorite over-actor.

Holy shit girl, just go to the community college for a few semesters and then transfer. That's what everyone else does.

I think I got the hang of it.

Biggest question of the night: what did this amazing sounding woman ever see in R. Kelly and how did she end up being married to him? He just seems so disgusting in so many ways.

And WTF parents?!? Take your child INTO the haircut place and TEACH them to sit and be patient. Jesus.

"But what about a five-year-old waiting just outside a supermarket?"

Whenever I hear about a pregnant woman about to burst I think of this:

True story: an acquaintance's boyfriend argued with my buddy (who is a physician) that the only way to contract "AIDS" (not HIV, but just straight up AIDS) is "gay butt-sex." Not "straight butt-sex." Only the gay butt sex would suffice.

This gif is better when reversed.

Sadly, I feel as though a lot of things may confound these folks. For example: ocean tides, lady parts, baby making, rape rape, BENGHAZI!!!!, HPV vaccinations, gay stuff, and brown people.

Or this?