Okay but what about the cats??

This story isn’t scary, and there are so many other stories on here that I doubt anyone will read it...but it IS true, I wanted to share it somewhere, and folks in my normal life would probably roll their eyes, so...

Alasska Scold Rush 

Just...don’t. Good god, man--your dignity.

“but he’s exactly where a 2nd-year QB should be”

You are correct. He wasn’t saying he’ll buy fake meat to avoid a kid-tantrum, he was saying that an impending kid-tantrum will prevent him from understanding what he, as a presumably literate adult, is purchasing. Which... yeah. 

I’d say he’s probably turning his son gay by doing the grocery shopping at all. Isn’t that his wife’s job? /s

That story about going through a grocery store and accidentally grabbing a Beyond Beef package, he doesn’t say what the bad consequence of that is. Given his position, I’m assuming he thinks accidentally not feeding his son real beef will turn him gay?

You skipped over Marcel’s finest moment…

That’s what my wife says about me

I’ve heard another solution is to just stay home in your pajamas and put your feet up and watch television.

I got more road rash from falling off a bike with training wheels. Then my Mom took us to the beach the next day because “Saltwater is good for wounds”. I was then rolled end over end by a big wave and scraped up my side again on the sandy sea bed. I’m not sure how I survived the 1970s.

So, this person is claiming to be a frequent motorcyclist...and that is what she wears to go out for a ride? Nope.

How lucky her motorcycle crashed during the golden hour.

Katie Holmes also ran a marathon in a built in bra tank top and then went to a gala wearing stilettos that night. So basically she is a robot or she has no live nerve endings in her feet anymore.

The obvious choice is for Billie Eilish to collaborate with Lil Nas X and put “Old Town Bad Guy Road: The Despacito Hillbilly Emo Mumblerap Mix” on the top of the charts for the next five months.

But they’ll claim it was to fix a deviated septum...on their ass.

Another infuriating, stark reminder that abusers don’t fit any specific profile, they’re everywhere. Apologies for apparently being one of the few commenters who don't find this funny.

My baby was born with a head, and I mean head of BLACK hair. He is two now ans super blonde. 3/4 of my babies have been blonde as toddlers but the other two started off with no hair. I see pictures of him as a tiny baby and am still shocked how dark his hair was and how fair it is now. Babies are weird.

My son had the same thing. He has dark brown, almost black hair, but when he was born with a full head of hair, the ends of his hair were strawberry blonde. Once it grew out and we cut his hair, it was gone forever.