You know the situation is seriously fucked up when it's getting me to like Adam Schefter

The handrail in the elevator has also expressed regret for its involvement.

his punishment was diminished because the evidence against him was based on Irsay

Once upon a season dreary,
while I pondered a weak secondary
And dreams of many quaint and curious playoffs of forgotten lore
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came thunder clapping,
As of reporters fap fap fapping, fapping at Ray of yore
What murder? Sell some jerseys! Bilk the fans! Forget the gore!

What Ray actually said was:
"Take the stand, or else you take the fall."

Every Canadian knows that the best lies always come from Ottawa

Somewhere there's a hot sports take being written about Mankins' selfishness hurting the team. For some reason "a contract is a contract" only when a player is holding out, not when a team demands you take a pay cut or take a walk.

Yeah — you can turn one off.

Did you finish reading the joke? You should finish reading the joke, it's funny.

That is so homophobic to suggest that he's going in last "so as not to make them feel uncomfortable." Unbelievable.

The Rams are nothing if not considerate. Before he got injured, Sam Bradford respected their space by never throwing within ten feet of anyone.

Mark Emmert has issued a statement of condolence, assuring Keck's widow that, while he was alive, Michael's education provided him more than fair and just compensation.

What a fucking piece of shit. I wish I could put some kind of witty spin on it, but honestly, fuck this guy.

So... they're sad because Vick doesn't have a dog in this fight?

"Fucking amateurs."

As a Michigan State graduate, I resemble that remark. But Le'Veon Bell did not graduate from MSU.

Splitting 16 carries between the two of them is fitting, because they also both had 8 balls after the game.

"I went to a leper colony one time, but those little bastards had no gold and definitely no rainbows."

Correction: It's Devin Sittingonhisass. He also has to earn back his last name.

If you're a guy who gets hurt easily, you need to find another activity where there's not contact involved."