On the other hand, the Dutch have such a marvelous airport in Amsterdam, one can imagine spending an entire day there. And then to top it off you can leave for town and go smoke weed. How we have not simply handed control of the planet to the Dutch is beyond me.

That's awesome. I guess we could have predicted this from our neighboring southern states: they don't want us Texans because we have to touch that icky brown country to the south! Hilarious. We'll be a territorial buffer zone.

I once fancied myself a literary kind of dude, and this girl I was sweet on in my office told me her favorite novel was The Notebook. So I got a copy and read the entire thing in one sitting, mostly in my cubicle. I predicted the entire plot by, I believe, page 10. What a terrible book. For this guy to put himself as…

As an all-district high school football center who spent four years with the hands of various grabby quarterbacks crammed into his crotch and bathing with other dudes, I can say without a doubt that football is perhaps the gayest of all team sports.

I don't know how you keep a cop from searching your vehicle without a warrant. Is it not true that your refusal will simply give them cause? At the very least, you know they're going to get that warrant, and you'll be stuck on the side of the freeway for hours.

As a liberal Democrat, I am occasionally asked by friends in other states, and a few abroad, why I don't pack it up and move out of Texas. They can't imagine what it is that keeps Mrs. Duck and me planted firmly in our home state. I find this to be an odd question; it assumes that every relationship one has to one's…

There was a group of dudes at my old gym in Austin that did a whole hell of a lot of stretching. It was their thing, I guess. They'd stretch, and shoot the shit with each other, and gaze out at the other folks working up a good sweat. Maybe—MAYBE—they'd jump on the bench and do a quick set...and then they'd do some…

Video games? You telling me these nutbags don't have kids? Please. They're all at home right now playing these damned things.

Why do these idiots act like violence is an aberration for humans? Romans watched people get ripped to shreds for entertainment. For centuries, communities gathered round the executioner's gallows to watch people get beaten, racked, gored, hung, drawn, and/or quartered, along with any number of disgusting tortures. In…