I want to love my Roomba (we named her Rosie), but I just can’t. She’s kind of a piece of shit at her job but then constantly rearranges my furniture. Like, I know you’re paying me to clean your house but my real passion is decorating.

“The normal people that didn’t vote for her or get excited was her Achilles heel, they saw her as more of the same”

WaPo reporter figured out why:

The actual rumor is that Giuliani fell asleep when Trump was bloviating during a meeting. Which I hope is true because it is hilarious.

Watching “Chinese Lesbians in Space” is all the Asia experience Trump needs.

My little gay cousin got sent to a christian boarding school, to try to ‘change his ways’. He says he never had so much sex, before or since.

Swinton’s experience of West Heath, where she was a classmate of Princess Diana, led her to setting up a liberal independent school near her home in Nairn, Scotland.

I am HERE FOR THIS. TEAM LOGAN FOREVER.

Notre Dame players think that they can simply apoligize during the last minute of the game all their personal fouls will magically disappear.

I’m pregnant and have no time for sandwich-making. I shall be eating leftovers as I always do, cold, right out of the off-brand tupperware, standing over the sink. Come at me.

“There is nothing that Gov. McCrory or his legal team are going to be able to do to undo what is just basic math,”

Vaguely related: I wish this were real. Take that Trump, you rotten orange peel of a hypocritical president elect.

Yeah, turns out, white Americans really love their unapologetic racists. If only there was some kind of book with all of America’s history recorded in it, he could have read that, and would have known this.

“When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross”.

Most of my friends weren’t 21 when I turned so we went to Applebees and the bartender was being a dick to me - really condescending - and when he heard it was my 21st he was like “Oh so I guess you want a daiquiri?” and I DID but I wasn’t going to take that shit from him so I said “No! I want a scotch & soda” and he…

I don’t want Canadian anything. I learned that the hard way after ordering Canadian bacon.

SEE

Oooh! I’ve got one!

WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS AND PUT IT IN WRITING.