All spankings did for me was make me afraid of my father, and as an adult occasionally irrationally convinced that my husband is going to hit me when I really, really fuck something up.

My mother gets these all the time with employment applications, sexibabe@gmail asstapper@aol, she always texts me a screen shot and it is always hilarious.

oh good. glad to see everyone’s time is being spent “protecting life” while people continue committing mass murders all over the place.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

Re: “fish that swim” lady -

it shouldnt matter. with draft kings, its like a new season every week. enter promo code: deathhurricane and we’ll match your first deposit up to $200. play today!

Guess how many times I have been asked, while travelling for work, “but who is taking care of your children?” (I’ve lost track.)

I give Johnny a ton of credit. He had an objectively horrible job, and he kept at it for years because he knew he was the only person standing in the way of what *THOSE* Republicans wanted to do.

“I have mastered the fine art of presenting a charming disposition with self-awareness”

Little Miss Angela
Sat in her Hyundai Sonata
Eating her curds & whey
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And revealed her nine-year-old as the actual adult in the room

Dangerstyle.

We’ve all been there. Mine was the one time I was shelving books at the library, wearing my work badge and (a rarity) a t-shirt with the library’s logo on it. A patron came up and asked “Do you work here?” Given that I was having a bad day and it was about the five hundredth time I had heard that question, I just sort…

It also claims that her clerks were “coerced by the threat of contempt sanctions” into granting marriage licenses.

NOT ENOUGH JAKE

But this is also about a wedding.

Yep. Also this.

guilty face.

I think they probably sat at the end of the parking lot and went car to car selling the food with an upcharge.

I forgot that I shared a birthday with Madonna. Anyway, yesterday was my 29th birthday. I was born on the 9th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. I found out that Elvis Presley’s second and third toe were webbed on each foot, just like mine are. This can only mean one thing: I am the reincarnation of Elvis…

I read everything he wrote in Archer’s voice.