This is one thing I’ve noticed. In Ye Olden Dayse, it was not at all unheard of for a parent to tell a child something like “Go play in your room” or “Go play outside” which meant, basically, “Get the hell away from me for one goddamn minute, will you???” But now, parents are (I think) pushed to into the helicopter…

Are you trying to start a fight? Are you?

It goes without saying that most restaurants cannot afford to lose that kind of money.

Asking me if I’m addicted to lip balm is like asking Iggy Pop if he enjoys heroin. I am not shitting you, I have at least 8 tubes (4 of which are unopened) within reach right now. And I’m not stopping. :P

While I can appreciate the possibility, I am not willing to go back on a hundred or so years of Western tradition based on the word of Business Insider. I suggest that what a lot of the people who eat banana peels know that Westerners do not is: hunger.

Nah. It’s the water. You should probably avoid the water and just stick to booze. You know—for safety.

Fuck that. He’d catch me anyway. I’d just stay and fight.

They also secretly eat meat when they come to my house and try my famously tasty vegetarian lasagna. mwahahahaha

“Well, at this club I used to go to, there was this woman in the hot tub who kept asking about a scar I had on my shoulder. I mean, every time I saw her, she would ask. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. But she just wouldn’t let it go. Every week, “Hey, about that scar.” “Just a question, where did you get…

More importantly, who the fuck just blindly grabs a bottle of something and drips it in their eye?

Pfft. Austin did it first.

...the kind of misdeeds that could, he said, “embarrass himself, the Republican Conference, and the House of Representatives if they become public.”

I’m guessing those children were so well-behaved because their lives have been so stripped of any joy or enjoyment that broccoli is a treat and a gluten-free expo is like the circus. They are simply now bloodless, soulless beings that shamble through the world without reason or happiness, moving from one…

Was it this post? Are you the one collecting leaves to sell online??

See, you just don’t understand the wonder of nature. You can watch porn anywhere!

Always.

Rosie’s Daugher?

Me: “It has fresh pineapple and peppers and a Chipotle honey sauce drizzled over our homemade guac.”

This is the very reason I don’t have a Kindle Fire. A few years ago I asked for—and received—one for Christmas. Then I tried to load the 4 years of games and apps I had accumulated...and discovered I couldn’t get to Google Play.

Hey now! You just put that reason and rationality away unless you brought enough for everyone, mister! This is the internet!