Getting tackled by a girl is nothing to be ashamed of. Now getting tackled by a kicker...

Officials wanted to punish him further but he plead “Sorry guys”, the ultimate Canadian legal defense. After that they were powerless but to return of verdict of “No, no, we’re sorry.”

When asked what he’s going to do now that he’s got a 100 million dollar contract, Antetokounpo said he’d carry on the fine Greek tradition of spending all 300 million of it.

Cut Joyce a break. This is, like, his first mistake out there.

I’m crying on the toilet, and I didn’t even have Chipotle yesterday.

In SEC circles this is referred to as “Recruiting an Academic Eligibility Buddy”

Are we sure Travis Rudolph goes to Florida State? Florida State? Florida State? Bobby Bowden, Deion Sanders, Jameis Winston, etc? Tomahawk Chop, crab legs, sexual assault, etc? Are you sure? Is he sure?

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

Fitzpatrick says he is still trying to understand why, in this particular equation, 1+1+1+1=n<1.

Joe Namath — now there was a Jets quarterback!

All Weekender, all the time. This exact one, the Weekender Slip-Through, is currently $36 through Timex, but I have a couple faces and about a dozen straps. Works for nearly everything.

All Weekender, all the time. This exact one, the Weekender Slip-Through, is currently $36 through Timex, but I have…

Steve Martin is one of my favorite people ever. You picked a great body icon, Matt.

• I believe the defending NBA champs should wear championship belts to every game.
  

Lt. Scott Wrigglesworth: FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE NAME!!! I’M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF ANSWERING THIS- oh, you mean the NBA player’s name?

If only there was some kind of convenient bed Murphy could have used.

Counterpoint: OK Go is great and this sucks.

I guess in lieu of making something people actually like, you can intentionally under-perform and call it really edgy satire. I know when I’m insecure about the results of my efforts, I sometimes self-sabotage them - for example, if I’m making a piece of functional furniture and I want it to turn out way better than I…

...who ought to be allowed in, what hurdles that person would need to have to jump.

[cums]

I’m not great at spelling, but Benghazi has a “Z” in it.