Celebrate. Don't celebrate. I don't care, but that Elf on a Shelf is an instrument of the devil.

We're not allowed to talk about Cutler in my house since he screwed up my husband's fantasy football team.

Oh, I guess Tim Tebow's a football player like Ryan Leaf's a football player.

He's a football player like I'm a football player.

Don't you mean the Canadian Embassy, Jim Carrey?

I heard eHarmony matched up her profile with Jose Canseco. Star crossed lovers.

Arrgh, it's the fucking zombie apocalypse. Unless I gave birth to them, I trust no one!

She's cute, but if she's your roommate, keep your toothbrush under lock and key.

Yeah. Well. I guess it beats having a normcore party at The Olive Garden.

I'm guessing the holes are electrical outlets.

You know, Kal, the more bumper stickers a person has on their car, the more likely they will engage in road rage.

I winter in Tralfamadore.

I don't know that Arpaio is motivated by racism. But I'm positive he is motivated by attention. And when he pursues immigration cases he gets lots of positive reinforcement, from the local nightly news and the Arizona residents that insist that our borders are scary wastelands.

No, I find I get better traction with the old "My taxes pay your salary, you work for me."

His favorite activity is immigration raids at restaurants and car washes trying to catch undocumented workers. Our Pei Wei Asian Diners closed down for a month after the kitchen staffs were all arrested. Child abuse or rape cases don't seem to catch his attention, though.

Such an attention whore.

Geez, I don't know. He and Tom Horne look like they've been dead a good five years already. I think they eat the hearts of undocumented immigrants to fuel their zombie corpses.

Ah, Joe just doing what Joe does best. Self-promotion.

Oh, you Smith kids.

That way you don't mind the delivery so much.