What an ass-hat of an attorney.

All I can think of is the hotel in Blue Valentine. And now I'm sad

I've noticed there haven't been any Deadspin posts since this was published.

Ain't no party like a back door party cuz a back door party starts really slowly, and nobody is allowed in until the host says so, and even then slow the fuck down or you aren't ever getting in there again unless you fucking slow down, stop, okay let me breath for a second, stop, I said knock it off, okay fucking…

Ha, yes! I was referring to something that happened during sex on acid to my boyfriend (I can't remember what, I think I was asking him whether he came) and he was like, "When?" and I was like, "You know, when we were melting into one another like paint and our souls were merging. Remember?"

If 2 percent of your workforce is black and 3 percent is Hispanic, you are not minority friendly. Google hires mostly white and Asian people and, as explained by Mother Jones, many of their Asian hires are brought in from overseas and paid subpar wages.

Hello, fellow humans. Like you, I am not a robot. I regularly ingest organic materials through my primary upper orifice, and grind them into a paste with my teeth before swallowing them. But I'll be honest when I say that I think we should trust these new robot fast food employees.

Well, at least they're doing things together as a family.

It's unfortunate that these people were treated poorly for being trans, rather than too fat to fly... then maybe some of you morons would actually give a shit.

I stopped trusting science after she blinded me with it.

Don't worry, in a few years he'll be living in the hills, only coming down into civilization to steal a chicken or two. And the locals will tell stories to their children of the crazy wild old man who will steal them away to HateLand if they don't eat their vegetables.

When I get texts from the wrong number, I send then a picture of my dogs dressed up in their Halloween costumes, tell then they have the wrong number and then tell them I hope the picture brightens their day. One guy then sent me back a picture of a teeny tiny goat, saying he hoped I had a good day too and I was happy…

"Not all Chicagoans"

You and your awesome pregnancies can go fuck yourself, Sawyer...

The reports involve more than 5,600 dogs, 24 cats, three people and include more than 1,000 canine deaths

They have 10,000 of them, not all the names can be winners.

Hi Asa. Could you give your opinions on circumcision, female pubic hair, whether cash is an appropriate gift for a wedding and whether or not Jay-Z deserved to be hit by Solange?

This was actually a lie that I told. When I was four, my aunt got a divorce. My family and I visited Minnesota to visit her, and she took us for a ride in her new speed boat. It was the best thing that had ever happened to my landlocked, Iowan self.

I eat at McDonalds maybe once or twice a year, I never have "side effects." From what, a hamburger? An egg on an English muffin? I find that puzzling, but perhaps I've just got a stronger tummy.