Sorry, but nothing is worth getting up at 5am on a Sunday, not even my aunt Mitzi’s kreplach - and I LOVED her kreplach!

I think of it as burlap plus chlorophyll.

It’s the kale that’s bullshit, not the massaging.

And now she WISHES she had food poisoning.

Plants can’t grow in your stomach because of the acid, but horribly enough they CAN grow in your lungs! Doctors removes a tree seedling that had sprouted in some poor guy’s lung, there were even pictures with the story. I read it on the internets so it must be true.

Rumor has it that one of the poachers was wearing clown makeup as a disguise, and one of the lions said “Does this taste funny to you?”

They should feed the survivors to the animals too.

So. Fucking. Evil. Why do a lot of people represent themselves as hyper-generous and ultra-sweet then turn out to be murderous bastards?

I want two.

Congrats, you win the prize for the shittiest piece of disinformation of the year!

I hear that she’s going to be starring in the remake of Those Lips, Those Eyes!

Teenage tomfoolery, it’s nothing a little rectal massage won’t cure.

Cowboy singers of the past sang lots of songs about shootouts, like El Paso and Big Iron, etc. but they didn’t actually shoot each other. On the other hand gangsta rappers mow each other down all the time. Wassup wit dat?

That’s right, and she can’t wear my Led Zeppelin t-shirt either!

I can understand that. I buy lottery tickets when the prize gets up to 500 million for much the same reason - just so I can fantasize about all the noble and selfless acts I would perform with the money.

Honestly, he’s 99 percent as much of a jerk as every pope before him. Like on this issue, or when he pretends to be shocked by the church’s organized pedophilia that has been in the headlines for decades.

Yeah, beauty products are 99% bullshit. My favorite was the face mask paste that had iron powder in it and came with a magnet to remove it with. You would have to be an absolute idiot to use it, and I bet they sold millions of dollars worth!

Murder most foul.

Lives to suck, just like Trump!

Will he be Joaquin on water?