Except this is my job, not my offspring. As much as I am attached to these crazy kids, there is no biological attachment. I love what I do, I love being able to help an amazing mom who is a psychologist and a dad who works at a children's hospital manage their house so that when they do come home, they can worry about…

Expensive clementine.

Expensive clementine.

Well, I'm a nanny, so the first thing i thought when I read this was, FUCK NO. I get paid about 6x times that amount and sometimes when I'm elbow deep in baby diapers filled with shit, with a three year old screaming bloody murder because his shoe is untied, and I'm running late for the five year old's tennis lessons…

I'm currently getting rape threats from a guy in my small neighborhood outside another citywho I've never met who first contacted me in OkCupid with sexually explicit messages. When I told him to fuck off, it apparently wounded his manhood and he has been sending things like, "My friends and I are going to find you.…

I'm currently getting rape threats from a guy in my small neighborhood outside another citywho I've never met who first contacted me in OkCupid with sexually explicit messages. When I told him to fuck off, it apparently wounded his manhood and he has been sending things like, "My friends and I are going to find you.…

My phone has a keyboard, no camera and is so beyond basic that emojis just show up as little blank boxes. It's a handy way to screen potential dates. When I get a message from a dude that looks like this: [][][][][] I suddenly become "SO BUSY AT WORK, SORRY". I don't know if it means they are more or less autistic,…

WAT gimme one of those for Xmas pleassssse.

I'm spending my Christmas Eve blissfully sans roommates in my apartment drinking prosecco out of the bottle, reveling in ONE NIGHT ALONE without friends or family. And I'm naked.

This isn't TECHNICALLY a one night stand because I had already slept with the dude once, but it's too good not to share. We had one hook up, it was fine, he's nice, he's hot, a creative musician type with a good job, I'm just not interested in dating someone right now and I think he's a bit of a cad. We hadn't really…

I was so worried about ripping it out, I think I have the gentlest blowjob ever. And I was terrified it would break the condom. This is why you don't fuck weird scene dudes.

That bell/tag thing is giving me horrible flashbacks to the time I fucked a dude with a dick piercing. EWEW NOPE KILL THE BAD THING.

Oh god damn it, can we all stop acting like these niche cultures represent an entire race? The Miley Cyrus thing was annoying enough when people seemed unable to differentiate "black culture" with "hip hop culture", but now we're moot Cholas being representative of all Latinas? Yes, mainstream culture is basically…

The entire time I date my Chinese ex, fellow white girls would attempt to, ever so "politely" skirt around the fact that they considered him "unattractive" for any reason other than him being Asian. "I don't like...his mustache." Or "He's...short." After we broke up, every asked me what I was thinking, dating someone…

More of less, I use my boobs like one of those baby bibs that have a built in shelf for food spillage. Recently, my donut broke and my wonder boobs saved that delicious chocolate sprinkle from a sad death on the pavement. (It's possible I would have still eaten it, because...sprinkles.)

Age: 16
Location: back of the lineman's car at a cheerleader/football player party celebrating the state championship.
Partner:quarterback
How it went down: yes, I was a varsity cheerleader who lost her v card to the quarterback in my uniform on the night of the big game. I had wanted to have sex for a long time, having…