My Dad lives in Vegas. The last time I visited, we all went to the slots:
-My aunt won $20,000
-My dad went to the buffet
-I put $5 in a slot machine, and the machine broke.

We’re coming home along the Thruway and decide to stop at McD’s. There’s a woman and smallish kid in front of us getting huffy and I can tell this won’t end well. And in due time she starts yelling at the cashier, “Why is everything more expensive here? This is ridiculous! You’re ripping people off!” and so on, as the…

No shit, my story would end with "There were no survivors of what came to be called "The Pizza Cutter Massacre."

The shower gift was all that should have been expected if you were giving a gift. If you gave a gift at the shower one should not have been expected at the wedding. My great aunt was a caterer/party planner for many years and she always said that she considered wedding presents at the wedding to be a bit tacky.…

EXACT same situation with me. When my MIL confronted me about my husband’s lack of thank-you notes, I explained it the same way: I wrote mine and he wrote his and my family is HUGE. My mom is one of 9 kids and my dad is one of 10 kids and MOST of my aunts, uncles, and cousins came to my reception. I wrote…

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

This weekend I saw a girl exiting a club wearing a shirt that said “I Hate Monday’s” and I freaked her out by rapping on her taxi window and shouting “the apostrophe on your shirt is grammatically incorrect!” just before the car pulled away.

I try not to keep useless stuff in my kitchen, but I do have a large hand painted ceramic bowl that I want to trash. Except I can’t because my grandmother COMMISSIONED the damn thing for me. It has SPRINGER SPANIELS painted on it. One of which is sitting in an easy chair reading a law book.

Funny how it started being considered a “soft” science when the percentage of women in it went up.

OK. I’m gonna get real here.

The freezer is definitely your friend.

Eggs are ok to keep out if they are not processed the way most American eggs are. Americans have to keep eggs in the fridge (unless they are farm fresh) because the eggs have had the protective outer coating washed away. So if your eggs come basically straight from the chicken to you, you can keep them on the counter…

Is it frozen or thawed? Officially, fresh chicken is good in the refrigerator for 2 - 3 days while frozen chicken pieces are good for up to six months (frozen whole chickens are okay up to a year).

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

Every now and then guys will ask me if these are my “real eyes.” I’m pretty sure they’re asking if they’re colored contacts, like you said, but I’ve gotten to the point where I always reply, “No, I carved them out of a dead hobo’s skull.” It’s just confusing and off-putting enough to make them leave me alone.

In the same vein: “Wow, your pronunciation is really good!”. This was said to me by my boss after I told him my own son’s full name. He literally complimented me for correctly pronouncing the name I picked out.

i like when people dont understand the water cycle.

“I’m proud of my curves, which is why I wanted to diminish them using this diet.”

Female recreational cyclists do not generally need to push their limits, race against time and increase their adrenaline when riding rough downhill trails. They just want to enjoy the time spent in nature on the bike, and their expectations on the bike are completely different from the men’s professionals’. They look…

Well, douchebags gonna douchebag. Good riddance. Also, Mallory Ortberg is evvverything. Also, I would spend way more time on that site if it didn’t immediately kick my laptop into Panic-Mode Survivalist Freakout OMG Grind Grind FAN FAN FAN FAN HOLY SHIT WHAT’S HAPPENING. Is it Flash? Some kind of overwrought CSS…