Playoffs, dues and Bs are just a few of the things Cam Newton didn't get in college.

I think your Xbox One purchase is completely different. That’s your money, not tax payer dollars.

I am a die hard athiest and you know what I do when someone (including my wife) prays?

Got ripped off after getting change from a hooker once. Gave her a hundo, asked for $20 back, she hands it to me and I stuff it into my pocket. Got home, turned out it wasn't a $20 bill, it was syphilis.

That is straight up booster money. It was meant for a prostitute.

He just jumped to #1 on Jerry Jones draft board (and heart).

That’s unusual. Normally you get ejected from a Ford when it rolls over.

Similarly, when I open the front door, nobody expects me to have pants on.

Technically, DeMarco Murray has no color this year. He’s been completely invisible.

Dirk isn’t playing like he’s ready to pass any torches

“firing eight shots. Seven went into the garbage, while an eighth was fired out the window and into a field. ”

Let us all pray that it eats him.

Should be easy if you are a Millennial, just wait for them to get the bill for the charge to their credit card for your whirlwind European holiday.

Just tell them the truth: that you are a huge ungrateful piece of shit

Counterpoint: basketball is still boring and useless, but now with one less insufferable shitstain who once sexually assaulted a woman, but got out of the charge by threatening the woman until she refused to testify.

Roses are red

This old video was shot in the present and features the Future. #mindblown