I was really hoping the Blood Type Diet would show up in here. That thing is hella silly.

So when I was about 6 and my little brother was 4, Mom caught us playing with squirt guns. She freaked out and confiscated all gun-like paraphenalia. That summer, we got empty Suave shampoo bottles to play with outside.

Reminds me of a time I had a customer bring me a package of fresh tortellini (I work food retail) and ask what you serve it with. I suggested a marinara sauce. She looked baffled, so I changed said, "Like spaghetti sauce?" Still nothing, so I brought her the smallest jar of very simple marinara. She said it looked…

My little brother was one doe weird obsessions: there were two weeks when he watched "Sister Act" every night. And the summer he absolutely REFUSED to miss Rush Limbaugh on TV. His partner loves hearing about that one. :)

As someone who works retail, it's really obvious which kids have heard the word "no" before. My favorite line from a parent to her kid: "Buddy, you're just gonna have to learn that the world does not revolve around you." I gave her a candy bar.

EXACTLY. I checked 'em out right after the original Jez article in 2012 and was utterly dismayed to find that they just didn't care about such a large part of the population. From the sounds of it, most women are wearing bras that are too small: would 't it make more sense, then, for a company that is supposedly all…

I was once intruducing a customer to the wonders od Carmelozed Onion Dip. I got to the idea of putting it on a burger when she wrinkled her nose and said, "Oh, no! My husband doesn't like caramel!"

My husband would have done that on purpose, right down to planting bite marks. Just to brighten someone's day.

1. A customer came to my register with some dried chicken breast strips. He was all sorts of excited: "I can't believe you guys are finally carrying this!" as he tore into the package. Years later, I still don't get why a person sees a Golden Retriever on the label and thinks, "Yes, I shall eat this."

I'm just giggling now as I realize my ultra-conservative mother gets a lot of Land's End clothing.

Once my husband and I told some friends we'd bring salad to their cookout. We then spent most of the day making the weirdest Jell-O "salad" monstrosities the world has ever seen. We're talking orange with Circus Peanuts and Blue Raspberry with Swedish Fish floating in it & green-coconut "seaweed". The friends' kids…

I think "white broccoli" was about all that customer was going to be able to handle. I've tried to describe felafel to customers so many differet ways — the one that works? "Like a hushpuppy, only less onion and more chickpea." I'm cringing as I say it, but the association makes the food less scary to some people.

My stepmom was so excited to visit me once, because my new town had a "Chipotal." I promised I would take her, but only after she said it right 3 times. I told her if a food chain was going to disgrace the Nawatl language, the least she could do was pronounce it right.

Ah, polenta! At my grandma's funeral a few months ago, one of her friends stood up and was telling a story about how grandma hated cornmeal mush, but would make it exactly twice a year for my grandpa, who loved it. (It reminded grandma of growing up in the Depression.)

Oh my god, that was one of my roommates Freshman year. More obnoxious still: one of her alarms just played a John Tesh CD. The only reason she'd *actually* wake up is because I was close enough to kick her headboard.

I work in a very customer-service-oriented grocery store. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about people calling for the weather forecast, because they "figured [we]'d know."

I had one of those glow-in-the dark retainers in Junior High. One night while I was washing my hands I yawned and accidentally caught a glimpse of the mirror. I saw an outline of fangs rearing back to bite. It's a good thing I had just used the toilet.

... And my husband and I are the nerds who talk about one day splurging and getting this done. It's really interesting! (And it's not like all of your family are related by blood, right???)

Now the next time you watch "The Player," one of the details will make more sense:

From what I remember fostering my own kitties, that's likely a kitty a little too young to know what to do with a bowl. I had to bottle-feed my littles, and the second they smelled the milk they'd start flailing like that and get milk EVERYWHERE (didn't know that could happen from a bottle, but it can).