Impressing girls is the only reason guitars are bought.

Something reasonable but unrealistic (“After a meeting with the commissioners, the NFL has pledged to institute a zero tolerance domestic violence policy with automatic one year suspension and loss of wages”) that they will look terrible when backtracking.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with the entire Curry family and Golden State organization on this tragic day”

I’m gonna start yelling that at my awful softball league. Thanks!

“Some black guy.”

Ken’s conscience is telling him it doesn’t want to be poor.

“I did not have sexual relations with that girl”
“I should spend tens of millions of dollars investigating this and try to get this man impeached!”
-Ken Starr 1997

“Did I rape her? I mean...”
“Good enough for me!”
-Ken Starr 2016

They've already built the infrastructure, which means they just have to maintain it. Without having to build new facilities, it would be a huge boon to the economy.

The supreme irony here is that Brazil had a 5,000 seat velodrome that was built in 2007. It was plenty good enough to host world class racing. But the not even decade old Barra velodrome was demolished in the run-up to the 2016 Olympics to make way for...the Olympic velodrome.

That’s why you do it there. The construction and year-round maintenance provides a bunch of jobs that Greece desperately needs, some sporting events will gravitate to Greece given the facilities that will be built (supplying additional tourism dollars in between each Summer Olympics), and we stop with the…

I’m down with a previous suggestion to just move the Olympics permanently to Greece.

“Watching this crybaby succeed makes me very upset.”

<Makes jerkoff motion with hand>

I have never watched hockey. Ever. I can’t explain why, really. I just never cared. But my kids were curious about the sport when we accidentally flipped to this last night. And between my valiant (and failed) attempts at explaining the rules and the frantic energy seen from the players, we were captivated by this…

Joanna Harper is a transgender medical physicist at Providence Portland Medical Center in Oregon...

I’m honestly not sure what Clinton’s camp is upset about, since no one is asking her to do anything. She did not want to debate either candidate and she is getting exactly what she wanted. Off the top of my head I can’t remember this ever occurring, though candidates almost always have their nominations wrapped up…

“Honestly, I just believe this is the most important job in the world. It’s the toughest job in the world. You should be willing to campaign for every vote. You should be willing to debate anytime, anywhere,” -Hillary Clinton

Okay, so we’re acknowledging that she’s not the Democratic nominee yet, right? So how about the two candidates for the Democratic nomination have a debate? Well, she doesn’t want to debate Sanders because she says the nomination has been decided.

I dunno, I'm sure I've never sat down and really written out specific criteria. But, in my reckoning, what makes Ali special is that he not only had an in-ring career that is basically unrivaled in the history of his sport (in terms of the fighters he fought, the success he had against them, the way his boxing style…