Before I saw the update, I was going to guess baked red cabbage. Or marijuana casserole.

I can’t believe gummy grapefruit is not on the list. My goodness, those are so good. But Fresh Market doesn’t have them now, so I’m gummy grapefruit-less. Amazon has a 5 pound bag for $18, but I would probably eat the whole thing in one night, so I’m not going to head down that dark and lonely (but delicious) road.

Money laundering for the Russians seems to be quite profitable.

The children mysteriously disappeared while walking through the dining room.

But if you dropped an earring in that carpet, you’d never see it again. I’d be worried about small pets getting lost in it, too.

She’s been resting up in her coffin in the basement where the sun never shines.

She’s really killing it with the cat food commercials, though.

Good lord. That’s disturbing in so many ways.

I am so looking forward to seeing him in an orange jumpsuit. I wonder how that hideous weave is going to look after he’s been in prison for a while.

She has also stolen fur coats and jewelry. That’s probably just the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t really keep up on the latest Lindsay Lohan news.

Bono was also friends with Jesse Helms. Can he not just take a few seconds to google these people before he starts talking?

I’m having uncomfortable flashbacks to the 80s. Those jeans...

United has sucked for a very long time. I can’t believe they’re still in business.

I hope this results in solid evidence that she was an escort. We all know she was. I’m not buying that she was an okay model based on what I’ve seen. Tyra would not approve. (and if you haven’t seen the photo of her in a thing that looks like a chandelier, you should get right on Google and find it. Super classy!)

That’s what I’m hoping for. Those prison orange jumpsuits would really bring out the orange in his spray tan!

Who needs tie tacks when you have scotch tape?!

I stand with people who are tarred as bigots and misogynists—or even egged—simply because of their views on taxes, health-care reform or government entitlements.

She’s only good at her job because journalists don’t push back when she says ridiculous things. If they did their job right, her usual tricks wouldn’t work.

Banjos and dulcimers! That would be the most rocking band ever.

#PEEOTUS!! Twitter has been so good tonight!