Her next move: get a job at Sur and join the cast of "Vanderpump Rules."

I know my father never loved me. I was conceived and I know that fact forced them into a hasty marriage. Two siblings followed. My parents basically grew to hate one another — my dad was a mean alcoholic who never held jobs for very long, so we were poor. I spent years trying to get his attention in a positive way —…

I am blaming Michelle Obama for this, before the crazies can.

Thanks, Obama.

Hold it — your high school had a FRESHMAN YEARBOOK? WTF?

So she's ok with somebody planting the pro-life seed in her / everyone's daughters? Doesn't that make her a dirty, anti-abstinence slutbag? Or is sexing bad, but the fruits of sexing are sacred? Or is it all Obama's fault? I just can't keep up with the squirrel hatchery she calls a brain.

"Peter Pan"? Blech, but I guess the show has to be a kid-friendly choice. But why not "Annie" or "Bye Bye Birdie"? I would love to see "The Telephone Hour" done with smartphones! Or even "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." It's really sing-y!

Ryan Seacrest reminds me of a teeny Yorkshire Terrier, with a bow around his neck instead of in his hair.

Many years ago, I taught a cooking class in an after school program. We'd make mostly healthy things, but I'll never forget the day the program director gave me the go-ahead to make oatmeal raisin cookies. Or rather, oatmeal snot raisin hair dirt cookies. Because no matter how closely you monitor them, kids will be…

I wanted to bring lunch to school because I wanted an Archies lunchbox, but my Catholic grammar school stopped allowing kids to bring lunch when I was in second grade. Our only choices were cafeteria food or going home for lunch (it was the 70s).

I'm sure there are women waiting to take the veil who, if put in close proximity to Henry Cavill, would give up the whole nun thing, so I don't blame Kelly Cuoco.

Does it take any kind of skill to be a DJ or a handbag designer? Because those seem to be the fallback careers for useless celebrities.

Alyssa perfectly demonstrates the best way to shame a mean, petty asshole like Jay Mohr.i don't know if I'd be able to muster that kind of restraint - it's too tempting to note that his face looks like a slapped arse.
And Jenny McCarthy looked like more of a dope than usual with her mouth humping of Donnie Wahlberg. It…

Wait — I thought either the first or middle name had to be a saint's moniker. Or were the nuns messing with me?

If I thought it was fun to poke you in the side at 30-second intervals for a 6-hour flight, would you advocate for MY right to fly? Yes? Great. Cuz I am just a BIG child with poor impulse control and your arms looks all bouncy.

The NY Daily News reviewed a high school production of "Grease."

I thought Carrie struggled with the acting part (it was like watching a high school production at times) but she does sing beautifully — just not Broadway-style, which is a learned art. I thought her best moment, where everyone seemed to be having fun, was "The Lonely Goatherd."

I stopped obsessing about my Little Lady years ago. I keep it clean and neat (for myself, I might add). I'm not denuding it, bleaching it or vagazzling it for anyone; nor do I expect some man to tie-dye his genitals or braid his pubes for my amusement. Clean and tidy, people. That's my motto.

Oh, Madeleine, I cannot understand your obsession with Alan Alda. I'll admit he's probably a lovely guy and I know he's been a dedicated feminist for decades, but in the name of all that's holy I do NOT find him remotely attractive. Not even in his early MASH days. It's might be his body type — I always think of him…

What I have learned during my adult years: