I was going to say that I exist simply to entertain you on the internet, but then I looked at your profile picture and now I am terrified. Do you possess supernatural powers? What is your plan for mankind? Does it involve me softening hands while you do dishes?

No, people are not funny. By failing the reality test, it is no longer possible to have an emotional stake in the series. We know now that the main characters will never be in any actual danger. It now has the tension of a Pokemon cartoon.

Are they? How can you be so sure? I’ve heard from reliable sources that they are actually Space Fish, who have left their bicycles in orbit in order to infiltrate US America and undermine the pillars of gender that hold up the Market of Freedoms.

That’s okay. It’s okay to be so cognitively challenged that you are unaware of your own inability to grapple with complexity and dissonance. I feel a little sad for you, with your cultural and intellectual diet of peanut butter sandwiches and buttered spaghetti, but it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Why are you living without compassion? Wretched animal.

Oh wow. This almost smacks of science. I see nine words of three syllables and one of four.

Can you tell me more about who you are? I get that you find it comforting to nestle under the warm embrace of your ridged authoritarian security blanket, but I am wondering how you imagine that such a world-view makes you a better person and the world a better place? I sort of see you as the kind of person who would…

Can you tell me more about who you are? I get that you find it comforting to nestle under the warm embrace of your ridged authoritarian security blanket, but I am wondering how you imagine that world view makes you a better person? Did your dad hit you a lot?

I am on team do not maliciously injure bikers and cyclists with 5k pound planet-killing carbon dioxidedioxide factory mobility assistants.

There is something deeply wrong with you. You are like a baby in a man suit.

You are so correct. I am now hiding my head under the duvet covers of shame.

Never fear. The bed-springs of justice rebound slowly but surely. The dirty pillows of anguish will still be there after the bites of the victim blamers are exhausted. The bed covers of forgetfulness will in time grant all a second chance. And the bed bugs of doom, of fate, of time will come for us all, innocent and…

I admire the passionate focus you have on those ripping white men. What do you think about when you think about them?

THE

You would not be reacting so strongly if it was not true, and if you were not secretly ashamed about it.

The “right hand of god”. That’s your chosen handle? And you are worried whether I am charming at parties when you are running around calling yourself that? Jesus fucking christ.

Also, I should probably apologize—I might have misinterpreted your initial comments the first time I read them.

Kudos. I have no words. That is such beautiful out of context nonsense. You win. I am a sucker for Duchamp.

What kind of chill pill would you suggest? Do you have one that makes it seem cool and fun to devalue women and gay people and minorities and transgender people?

I think this comment would be very telling about you—if you were not so completely alone and sad and miserable and lashing out at random targets on the internet. Thankfully, you have no wife to beat.