"my dad has agreed to let me access my trust fund early", and that's where most Jezebel readers let out the first of many "OH FUCK YOU".

This is a typical disclosure line for fraternity listservs. Sleep well knowing that he didn't come up with it.

It's very Ed Grimley.

I don't know. I was an office manager once. It was a good job, but I'm not sure $70,000 covers the headache of dealing with that sort. Once you factor in therapy it comes out to much less.

No one who uses the word "slampiece" that many times in an email has ever had sex.

Not only could he not get a job but apparently his dad couldn't even get him a job. Now, the family's in the position that kid has a 7 figure trust but no one can secure him employment? I didn't know anyone could be THAT bad...

I hope to unlearn "slampiece" within the next ten minutes.

Shit, pay me $25 an hour and I'll play matchmaker for guys who want to bang hot chicks and hot chicks who only want to bang rich guys all you want. It's a win-win-win situation.

I think the chef sounds kind of awesome, based on the quotes in this article. If I could afford a private chef and multiple kitchens, I would totally steal her. my chef can dress anyway s/he damn well pleases. The fact that he doesn't plan might give her quite a bit of freedom. And if he treats her well, I have…

I hope it doesn't take forever before another season comes out, this first season was fantastic.

On a positive note, the Foundation is going to get a TON of free press out of this!

Tonight's the night of our campus's Take Back the Night rally, come on surrender if you want, I won't lead your love astray by coercing you to consent because that's not real consent.

I would assume that he is unaware of "Take Back the Night." If he were aware, he would realize that the normally okay lyric "Tonight's the night come on surrender" is not okay in such a context.

Take Back Take Back The Night

Salt and Vin*gger chips had me on the floor weak.

You'd think for such an important shoot he'd have selected a shirt that wasn't full of moth holes.

Have you seen the crap they sell? I think it's more likely this will cause people to go into the shop to antagonize Chris the retail superstar and leave without buying anything.

Am I the only one who thinks there's a high probability that "Chris: Psychic, Unparalleled Retail Superstar, Tiger Tamer" intercepted and responded to this email?